Like it or Not, I'm back there - PTSD Phase 2 of Recovery

I got the green light. Seems I'm ready to travel where no PTSD survivor has gone before.... well, actually they have, but this is my own personal quest to seek out new life, peace, and contentment.

Yesterday, I received the news that I will be moving on to phase 2 today of treatment program for PTSD, and even before my first process group, or what most know as group therapy, I felt anxious, a little afraid, so I did some self-nurturing which is what I've been taught to do when I feel "unsafe" which I wrote about in an earlier post. Fear, by the way, is often felt in the stomach and neck as tension or tightness or even nausea. If you are able to listen to your body, it can send you valuable messages, but because of PTSD, our minds are often filled with so many thoughts and fears, we overlook the very evidence that can help us grow. So I put on some soothing music, lied down on my hospital bed with the coziest, softest blanket I own, and visualized places where I feel safe; the beach in PEI which is the photo posted on my blog, my yoga studio, or being in my cousin Mary's house, I feel so much love and warmth there. I began to feel relaxed, a slight smile began to curl in the corners of my mouth when BOOM, out of nowhere, in my mind a little girl cried, "I was a good girl, I was a sweet little girl, why couldn't you love me, Daddy?!!" and the tears began to role down my cheeks like I was eight years old again.

This is what is known as an intrusive thought. Intrusive thoughts are random thoughts related to the original trauma that arise at any point during your day. Most often, the feelings associated with the thoughts are pushed back down, so we can continue on with the work of psuedo-living, but in the safe environment of the hospital away from the stresses of life, we are encouraged to "sit with" those feelings for a time, recognize them for what they are, in this case grief and sadness, then let them go. Those feelings have lain dormant in my subconscious for over 40 years, the body never forgets, even though we think we're "over it" and unless we've actually given ourselves the time to experience the loss and pain, then being "over it" is just a lie we tell ourselves to avoid dealing with it.

So that was a preview, I suppose, of what is to come. Interestingly, we were asked to create three goals for our treatment. One of mine was to find that little girl, and let her say what she was never allowed to say, feel what she was never allowed to feel, her feelings and needs didn't matter. Another goal is to learn how my particular trauma re-enactments have had a negative impact on the relationships in my life and, hopefully, change those patterns; the final goal is to learn to control my dissociative behaviour and recognize my triggers, so I can lead a more productive life and feel good about what I accomplish as opposed to criticizing myself for what I didn't accomplish.

I always like to bring it all back to the wonders of the human mind.... this organ knows exactly what we need in every aspect of living; when we're hungry, it sends a message to the stomach, when we're tired, it sends a message to the entire body to stop and rest, and when we're in emotional pain and have not had our needs met for a very long time, and too stubborn to recognize this, I might add, it tells us by making us so sad and depressed that we either end our own lives or we doing something about it.

If you are reading this blog for the first time, if any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've suspected that maybe you have a mental illness that needs attention, please please don't be afraid to seek help, you have much right to health and happiness as anyone else. In fact, I could say you have an obligation to take care your health in order to ensure the health and happiness of those you love. If my father had sought help, I wouldn't be writing this blog today.... that's the view from here for now.... be well everyone. :)

Self Stigma??? Me? Never!

I find it ironic that I'm here promoting mental health awareness and trying to shatter the stigma of mental illness because I'm a hypocrit. I really have no right to say any of the things I'm saying, because I perpetuate the stigma just as much as anyone else.

Recently, I was interviewed for a volunteer position with an organization. One of the people on the panel knew of my major depressive disorder and asked "are you certain you can carry out your responsibilities given your illness?" Not only was it an inappropriate question, for future reference, no potential employer or supervisor is allowed to ask you about your race, religion, age, or disability and that right is protected in the Labour Act, but even worse, I defended myself! I began humbly reassuring  the committee that my illness would not be a problem, that once I make a commitment, I'm in till the end, and I was practically begging them to believe me! So not only was I victimized by society's stigma of the mentally ill as being unreliable and unrealistic about their limitations, but then I re-victimized myself by agreeing that their concerns were legitimate! The stigma is so insidious that I didn't even realize what had happened till I got home!! When I did realize what they had done and as a result, what I had done to myself, I felt so inadequate, lesser than, and stupid for not realizing what was happening! I eventually penned a letter addressing the inappropriate line of questioning at the interview, as well as reminding them of the Labour Act and requesting a reply. I needed to regain some self-respect, I wasn't letting it go.

This is not uncommon for those with mental illness. Yesterday, I was reading a blog where the writer referred to herself as being "silly", "stupid", and "wimpy" because of her phobias. In the distant past, before I learned how my illness affects my behaviour, I've even gotten into heated debates with friends who are also mentally ill and called them "crazy" or "losing it" and for that I'm ashamed, but I have learned to forgive myself for finding them guilty of the very thing that affects me too. I often hear people demean themselves because of their illness...so why in the world would anyone what to admit they are mentally ill? Who in their right mind (no pun intended) wants to expose themselves to that kind of judgement? It is so much easier just to stay hidden and suffer in silence, but we are NOT second class citizens! The civil rights movement was for ALL individuals and groups who are not treated equally in society, we are one of those groups, and clearly there is still much work to do!

So the next time you find yourself preparing to judge or criticize yourself for an illness related symptom, stop, rethink. Do you really deserve that? No, you don't, so away with the negative self talk and recognize the beautiful, strong individual you are perhaps because of your illness. You deserve it!

Imagine Living in Fear Everyday of Your Life

I never really understood my anxiety disorder until recently, and I've had it all my life. I, as well as all my friends, just considered me  "dramatic", "high strung", "intense", "passionate", "high maintenance", "hypersensitive", or "very emotional". I never suspected I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but when I discovered that was the case, it explained a lot about my behaviour. .

According to the US National Library of Medicine, "the main symptom is the almost constant presence of worry or tension, even when there is little or no cause. Worries seem to float from one problem to another, such as family or relationship problems, work issues, money, health, and other problems.
Even when aware that their worries or fears are stronger than needed, a person with GAD still has difficulty controlling them." It's true. I'm a worrier although I am getting better because of mindfulness which I explained in an earlier post. The simplest things can cause me anxiety, for example leaving the house in the morning makes me very anxious until I'm en route; starting something new causes my heart to beat faster until I feel comfortable with it . Change and  transitions generally create anxiety for me in varying degrees. Being in noisy and crowded spaces like a busy mall or a room full of chattering people causes great anxiety. If someone is late visiting me, I begin to think the worst. If they don't contact me, I will be panicky and sobbing within 30 minutes after their scheduled arrival time thinking they were in a car accident. I always worry I've left something electrical on when I leave the house, and worry that my house is going to burn down when I'm gone. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad, I will actually turn around and go back home just to make sure. I've had a bat under my bed for 9 years now. At one time, I could not drive on the highway, it was a huge trigger for my anxiety, because I thought I was going to crash traveling 110 km an hour. Deadlines can practically paralyze me at times depending on my stress level. At times, I cannot even begin to organize or prioritize in order to meet deadlines. I'm a hypochondriac, I'm convinced every ache and pain is cancer, MS, stroke, brain tumour something terminal (another symptom of depression too, feeling you won't live long). It's always the worst case scenario with me. And roller coasters? Lordy, I feel like I'm going to die on a roller coaster, screaming and crying uncontrollably practically needing an ambulance when the ride is over. Anxiety is such a daily part of my life, I just chalked it up to "well, that's just me".

When I was 22 years old, I was watching a movie called "Tracy Thurman Story" which is a true story about a horrific domestic violence case. When it got to the scene where Tracy's ex husband  is beating her within an inch of her life by kicking her in the head, I completely lost it. I couldn't breath, I ran and hid in the corner of the room sobbing profusely, I was terrified. My partner had gone to the store and came back to a locked door and my audible sobbing behind it which was obviously very disconcerting. He banged on the door calling my name, but I couldn't move to open the door, and I had no idea why. I thought I was "crazy! What a weirdo! Good lord, Lisa, what is your problem?" This is how people with mental illness tear themselves down and are torn down by others in the same vain. Violence is still a huge trigger for me, and I realize why now, I grew up in a home where domestic violence was the norm, and I was diagnosed with PTSD last fall.

Then there's the fear of abandonment issue which is a well hidden phobia that shows itself in unpredictable ways resulting in anxiety, defensiveness, anger, and sadness. All phobias obviously create a great deal of anxiety but are limited to usually a couple of things, snakes, spiders, balloons, whereas GAD is non-descriminative about what creates the anxiety. At one point in life, usually at young age, the person who develops a fear of abandonment has been abandoned possibly through the death of a loved one, a divorce or separation, or felt emotionally abandoned by a caregiver or someone they trust. Usually it rears it's ugly head when I irrationally feel that someone doesn't care about me, like my own children for example, how irrational it that? When they were teens, they questioned my authority of course, and their growing independence was very threatening to me, because it meant they were going to leave me, and I was going to be alone. In my fear and anger, I would lash out, literally have temper tantrums in desperation and not knowing why I was doing it. It created quite a rift between us which we are now beginning to heal. Sometimes someone not returning a phone call can do it,  or when friends would get together and not invite me. You might say that I'm just insecure which is somewhat true, but I have accomplished a lot in my life time, and most people who meet me say the exact opposite. I appear very confident. You can imagine how destructive such fears and anxieties are in personal relationships as well as all the things they prevent you from enjoying. Fear is a real joy stopper.

So as you can see, these are pretty regular everyday occurences, so yes I was anxious almost everyday, and it usually comes out in hurtful remarks and irritability which, of course, at the very least confuses them as to what they've done wrong which is usually nothing. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, that's anxiety. I get intense stomach problems when I'm anxious, and my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad that sometimes my anxiety will overwhelm me to the point that my mind actually prevents my body from moving quickly and slows down my thinking and speaking as well which is called psychomotor impairment (I will discuss this further in my next post). Anxiety and depression are cohorts, it's rare to have one without the other and most people are either higher in anxiety than depression or vice versa. I've been blessed with being high in both!

So how do you deal with someone like me? Someone who seems to be afraid of everything, worries all the time, someone whose fears seem completely irrational, or who just seems nervous all the time? First of all, don't judge us, for the most part, we can't help it, and feeling judged just makes it worse. Secondly, don't tell us not to feel that way, we would make that choice if we could. Be forgiving and patient... if we become defensive or irritable, it's not personal, it is simply us trying to protect ourselves in a not so healthy way, and try to be accepting of our anxiety, don't try to change it for us, that's something we have to find the strength to do. Finally, try to put yourselves in our shoes... imagine what it feels like to be afraid or anxious of something every day?  Life is difficult to enjoy when you're always on edge.

I take anti-anxiety medications which help tremendously with the physical manifestations of anxiety like constant movement, leg bouncing, or feeling like my body is buzzing. I have found the courage to face some of my fears one at a time for which I'm very proud, but still more work to do. Mindfulness, meditation, and yoga help to keep me relaxed and clear of mind. Positive self talk is good too... being my own best friend kind of thing.

Not everyone will express their anxiety the same way, so I would really appreciate if you would leave a comment about yours, so others know the many different shapes and forms it takes. Also, if you know someone with GAD, how does it make you feel, and what do you do about it. This is part of the process of breaking down the stigma, talking openly. I and others would love to hear a little piece of your story if you care to share. Thanks for reading and understanding! :)

Neuroplasticity and Psychiatric Disorders- Hope.

  Is it possible to "reshape" the brain and improve symptoms of mental illness?

Researchers say "yes". Having been "institutionalized" for major depressive disorder, as readers might already be aware, I know for a fact that at least one mental health institution does provide a dynamic model for treatment. They don't just force medications down our throats as so many incorrectly believe, ignorance equals stigma. I participated in a bio-psycho-social-spiritual model of treatment for two months,and it was used for treating mood disorders not to cure necessarily, but to hopefully improve symptoms, prevent relapse and provide hope for patients who simply want to have more control over their illness.

"Bio" is obvious, the physical/medical illness requires medication to assist those neurotransmitters or neurological chemicals to perform their assigned task. "Psycho" is the psyche, the individual's view of him/herself  individually and in relation to the rest of society. I discovered my self perception included negative self talk, negative core beliefs, shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. Many of these beliefs are the by- product of the illness and how society perceives me because of my illness.Those suffering from mental illness perceive themselves to be "inadequate", "dysfunctional", "useless", "unreliable" and "untrustworthy",so yes, those affected contribute to their own stigmatization which I will address later, but those ideas are taught to us by a society that, by and large, does not understand mental illness. It's a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. We were taught thoughts create feelings, so if I feel lesser than everyone else for whatever reason, then it's likely that I will eventually become depressed. Consequently, we were taught to first become aware of how we perceive ourselves, and how inaccurate are our perceptions when we examine our lives and realize that we are fully functioning individuals with an illness. This reshaping of thought patterns and consequently restructuring of the brain is called "neuroplasticity". Neuroplasticity has been studied for over twenty years now, and the findings are somewhat conclusive when examining MRI's. So simply by replacing "I'm no fun" with "I am fun when I'm not feeling well" and making it how I perceive myself, I can actually help prevent a depressive episode or at least lengthen the time between episodes, and this applies to many other psychiatric illnesses as well.

The social aspect of the model again uses the concept of neuroplasticity to help reshape the brain into being more social and changing the way in which those who are ill communicate with others. Many who suffer from mental illness isolate because of negative beliefs or lack of motivation. This aspect of the model teaches the importance of remaining in touch with society even if it means just going for a walk or window shopping. We are restructuring our brain to understand and accept we are, in fact, part of the rest of society, and we should not seclude ourselves not matter what anyone tells us. In terms of communication, another result of negative self talk and negative core beliefs, is we tend to have little if any personal boundaries and great difficulty asserting our needs. We often are defensive when it isn't necessary, because it's the negative core belief and low self esteem that is effecting how we are perceiving the communication. This fact is reinforced by studies  where the "goal is to increase activity of particular areas of the brain, such as the anterior cingulate (a key decision-making area) or the prefrontal cortex (a location of planning), or to decrease the activity of other areas, like the brain's fear center, the amygdala.  In other studies, the goal is to actually get parts of the brain (like the hippocampus) to regrow." ( David J. Hellerstein, M.D) By learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, and asserting our needs, we are increasing activity in certain areas of our brains.

Finally, the spiritual aspect does not refer necessarily to a religion as much as a positive and clear belief system. Mindfulness or meditation was practiced daily in the hospital I was in, because mindfulness or meditation helps us to quiet the chatter in our minds, to be more aware of ourselves, and our surroundings thereby allowing us to be less reactive and respond with more clarity, consequently we can better address our own needs. One patient in a study took up yoga to help with trauma and depression, and she reported improvement in her calmness and general sense of well being. Specifically, Dr. Hellerstein believes "yoga allowed her to decrease the activity of her brain's fear center, the amygdala."

So what does all this mean? It means that there is hope for those who suffer from psychiatric disorders in being able to better manage their illness. Like a newly diagnosed diabetic must learn new eating regimes and life style habits in order to manage his/her illness, so do I, and those like me. Learning how to self nurture, be self loving, being positive, and learning how to be mindful is beneficial not only to those who suffer mental illness but everyone. Life is stressful, we all need help managing stress, and work environments are where the majority of that stress lives, but by changing how we think, we can change how we feel. Now you're saying, sure I can just imagine what people at work would say if someone said "we're going to meditate everyday, and we're going to be self-nurturing, positive, and supportive of each other." That's insane....they might laugh you out of the building, right? Well, why not be positive and supportive if it's going to help? Interestingly, that's the same stigma we fight every day. I'm a pretty positive, life-loving, happy person but just last weekend a friend insensitively said to me "yeah, but you're unbalanced" and this morning on the radio, I heard "we should just ignore crazy people or round them up and kill them".... hard to be positive with attitudes like that all around you.

For further information on neuroplasticity...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heal-your-brain/201107/neuroplasticity-and-depression

http://beyondmeds.com/category/neuroplasticity/

Neuroplasticity and addiction recovery...
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ending-addiction-good/201302/neuroplasticity-and-addiction-recovery

Diminished Capacity: Negative Emotions = Negative Actions?

  This is a guest entry from Steph's personal journal. I'm honoured she asked to add it to my blog, and I applaud her bravery for sharing such a personal piece of writing.  She discusses the Human Rights Violations that some mentally ill individuals experience.

My Daily Journal

 2013-02-22 6:20 PM

Since when have emotions been regarded as negative things? To be happy? That's ok. Great, and good for you, others will think. You say you feel angry, and automatically people take that to mean you are aggressive. Anger (emotion) does not mean aggression (action). One can be angry, and not act on that emotion whatsoever. They can just allow themselves to feel it. Or they can use that emotion to release it. Exercise, meditation, grounding, or whatever works.

The same goes for the feelings of sadness, depression and suicidal ideation. These are all feelings. Not actions. Every single person in this world has felt sad. Many have felt depression, and a certain few have felt suicidal. But because a person feels these, it does not mean they are lessened, weakened, or have a diminished capacity. Legal or otherwise. It means that they FEEL. All human beings FEEL. Maybe some feel more than others.

But when did feelings become intertwined with action? When has it become ok to condemn those who have a negative set of feelings, such as those mentioned above, sadness, depression and suicidal idealation, when has it become ok, by law to tell these people that they have no right to feel this way? To take their rights away legally by saying they have a diminished capacity? This is condemnation for human beings who feel! TO FEEL IS HUMAN! Does this mean if we condemn those with negative emotions and feelings that we will commemorate those who have positive feelings and emotions? Why not give out a prize or bursary by judges and other legal members to people of the society WHO FEEL but feel positive feelings and emotions. Sounds silly doesn't it? So why is it not silly that they strip away the rights of those who feel negative emotions? Because emotions, are not, actions.

~ Stephanie P.

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