Increasing understanding of mental illness by sharing my personal struggle with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. It's crucial that sufferers not feel stigmatized and are not afraid to ask for help, especially the children. It's natural to be afraid of things we don't understand, so maybe by sharing our experiences, we can make a difference. Talk with others, ask questions, share this blog. Mental illness is not something of which to be afraid.
A nice break from my personal experience to learn that we are not alone in our pain....
Amazing how powerful creativity is in communicating an idea. What really resonates with me in this piece is the complete eradication of self that results from trauma in this case, bullying. When someone has been traumatized or abused as a child, they never learn who they really are, only who their abusers tell them they are. I'm not even certain that little girl who was traumatized repeatedly as a child even exists any more, but only now, or since my treatment began last Fall, am I beginning to learn who she became and what I need now because what I needed as a child was irrelevant. I'm also beginning to learn "it's not so much about the pain as it is the beauty."
An inspiring, moving, and haunting spoken word piece about mental illness, depression, pain, loneliness, loss, identity, and bullying. Spoken word, for those unfamiliar with this unique genre of art, is a spoken poem sung without a melody but just as beautiful as any song. In a Canadian "Ted Talks" clip, Shane Koyczan is compelling and authentic in his creative rendering of the pain and the beauty of mental illness. Anyone who has ever experienced bullying or depression will be touched by his words. It is a twelve minute piece, but I guarantee you, it's worth every second. Just another sufferer of mental illness taking something painful and finding value in it, and finding a way to communicate it as honestly as possible to the world. I have so much admiration for this man.... love it!
"Art is a personal act of courage, something one human does that creates change in another." Godin.
In my previous post about PTSD, I listed some possible sources of trauma, but one I neglected to mention is the loss of a loved one such as a parent or child. Most people move through the grieving process which can be very painful at times, but eventually they come to accept their loss. Other individuals never seem to get over the loss of their loved one. Even years later, a favourite song, a saying, a movie, a special place can reduce such individuals to tears. This is not to say that everyone who loses someone will eventually succumb to PTSD, the grieving process is a natural occurrence with many stages, and it can take two years maybe more, maybe less before one is able to finally accept the loss. For some, six or seven years later, they still struggle to find peace and need support in the form of treatment in order to move toward acceptance of the loss.
I've highlighted in red the symptoms that I experience. Not everyone will experience the same symptoms or even all the symptoms or even all the symptoms. Doctors know the "hallmarks" of PTSD and can make that diagnosis for you.
The remainder of this post is an excerpt from the following website. I encourage
you to visit the site for some additional valuable information.
I find it ironic that I'm here promoting mental health awareness and trying to shatter the stigma of mental illness because I'm a hypocrit. I really have no right to say any of the things I'm saying, because I perpetuate the stigma just as much as anyone else.
Recently, I was interviewed for a volunteer position with an organization. One of the people on the panel knew of my major depressive disorder and asked "are you certain you can carry out your responsibilities given your illness?" Not only was it an inappropriate question, for future reference, no potential employer or supervisor is allowed to ask you about your race, religion, age, or disability and that right is protected in the Labour Act, but even worse, I defended myself! I began humbly reassuring the committee that my illness would not be a problem, that once I make a commitment, I'm in till the end, and I was practically begging them to believe me! So not only was I victimized by society's stigma of the mentally ill as being unreliable and unrealistic about their limitations, but then I re-victimized myself by agreeing that their concerns were legitimate! The stigma is so insidious that I didn't even realize what had happened till I got home!! When I did realize what they had done and as a result, what I had done to myself, I felt so inadequate, lesser than, and stupid for not realizing what was happening! I eventually penned a letter addressing the inappropriate line of questioning at the interview, as well as reminding them of the Labour Act and requesting a reply. I needed to regain some self-respect, I wasn't letting it go.
This is not uncommon for those with mental illness. Yesterday, I was reading a blog where the writer referred to herself as being "silly", "stupid", and "wimpy" because of her phobias. In the distant past, before I learned how my illness affects my behaviour, I've even gotten into heated debates with friends who are also mentally ill and called them "crazy" or "losing it" and for that I'm ashamed, but I have learned to forgive myself for finding them guilty of the very thing that affects me too. I often hear people demean themselves because of their illness...so why in the world would anyone what to admit they are mentally ill? Who in their right mind (no pun intended) wants to expose themselves to that kind of judgement? It is so much easier just to stay hidden and suffer in silence, but we are NOT second class citizens! The civil rights movement was for ALL individuals and groups who are not treated equally in society, we are one of those groups, and clearly there is still much work to do!
So the next time you find yourself preparing to judge or criticize yourself for an illness related symptom, stop, rethink. Do you really deserve that? No, you don't, so away with the negative self talk and recognize the beautiful, strong individual you are perhaps because of your illness. You deserve it!
It looks very much like this commercial, and I thank Bell for doing such a great job depicting what "depression looks like" in both their PSA's.
Many believe people with depression are weak, not able to handle it, they need to be stronger. If I could choose to be stronger while in the throws of a depressive episode, I absolutely would! If you look at this woman's face, you will see not only sadness but guilt and shame for not being able to do what so many do everyday unless they're medically ill, contagious. She wishes she could be stronger too. The fact is, however, it's impossible for her to go to work, like the other 500,000 Canadians that are absent each day due to mental illness, because she may cry without cause, she will not be able to focus, concentrate, or make decisions due to lethargy and fatigue, and theanticipation of the stress she will experience at work creates such anxiety in her that she is terrified she might be taken away in an ambulance if things becometoo much, and they will become too much. Stress is the number one aggravator of depression or any mental illness. Again, I can't know for sure this is what the character is experiencing, but it looks very familiar, because it's what I experience.
I am still recovering from my last depressive episode which began in approximately October 2011. I say approximately, because I didn't know it was happening, most don't, they just begin to slowly slip into a darkness, a hopelessness that leaves them asking "why bother living?" I say October, because it was around that time that colleagues and friends began to comment on my behaviour, my mood. They would say "you don't smile as much anymore", "you seem sad", or ask "are you ok?" I would reassure them that I was just under a lot of stress and when this or that was finished, I would feel better. When this or that was finished, I didn't feel better and then another "this or that" would come along, and I would attribute my change in mood to that. Yes, I was denying my own signs of depression, because I too carry the stigma of mental illness. I didn't want to appear weak, and I felt terribly guilty for not being able to perform my duties as well as I should, so I would forge on pretending everything would get better. The very fact that I forced myself to continue without respite only made my depression worse. As if I had a "bug", continuing to work only sustains the illness when in fact you should be going home to recover, right? A bug, however, can be seen in sniffles, coughing, palor, no one can see I'm ill, so I really shouldn't be staying home.
Finally, after five months of forcing myself to do all the things I normally do, I had a collapse, a crisis. I was walking down the hall of my workplace, and I began to cry. People walked by and looked at me curiously , but I couldn't stop. I walked straight to my supervisor's office and sat there crying for another hour until I was finally able to drive myself home, and that was my last day of work, April 16th, 2012, I haven't been back to work since. With everything my GP tried, my depression continued to worsen. It takes a while to find the right medication for each individual with depression, what works for one person does not necessarily work for another, in fact, it can make things worse. I was anorexic (the medical term for no appetite) and losing weight fast, I lived on "Ensure". At my lowest I was down to 104 lbs. I went to see my psychiatrist, and he asked me "what do you need me to do?". My response was "put me in the hospital, because I'm afraid of what I will do to myself if you don't". He couldn't do that, because the hospital would only admit me if I actually attempted suicide, another shortcoming of the health care system in dealing with mentally ill patients. I said "I can do that" at which time we created my "safety plan". I was obviously not taking care of myself, I hadn't showered in four days, I wore the same clothes to bed that I wore during the day which were now quite soiled, I would sleep at least five hours a day as well as at night, and the simplest task was overwhelming and created intense anxiety. Most people who suffer from depression also experience anxiety to some degree, mine is particularly bad. Even going to his office that day, the traffic and possibility of an accident terrified me when any other day, I would be fine. I went to Walmart to get a few groceries and as soon as I walked into the store, I was overwhelmed by the sights and sounds, just like you see in the movies when the character is hearing and seeing everything in an amplified way. I was able to pick up a few things and stood in line for about five minutes but couldn't take it anymore. I broke down sobbing, leaving my 13 year old daughter with my debit card to pay for the things we needed, and I rushed out of the store. You can imagine how she must have felt. This continued on for another couple of months till we found a medication that began to work, but my body had been so physically weakened that it took another month to regain at least a modicum of strength. The simplest activities exhausted me, and I still had to nap every day for a couple of hours.
Although I was beginning to feel the effects of the medication, I could not return to my previous life of work or even daily domestic responsibilities, I was still recovering and this was now ten months after people had begun to comment on my behaviour. I told my doctor "I can't go back there again" meaning to the depths of depression I had just experienced, "because I may not make it out next time". At that point, my doctor feared for my safety and agreed silently as he made a referral to a mental health hospital where I was admitted for two months in the "mood disorders program". Depression, especially if it is a bipolar depression which they think I might have, gets worse as we age, so hospitalization was a must to help me better manage my illness.
So that's what depression looks like. It looks like an illness that can have a profound physiologically effect caused by a serious imbalance or malfunctioning of neurotransmitters, and this creates an uncontrollable mood imbalance, but because most people can't see that mood imbalance, we're very good at hiding it, we have to be, it's perceived as being "weak", "lazy", "over-reacting" or being "hypersensitive" which apparently is only a state of mind that can be controlled. Not so. That's the view from here.
