...The Million Dollar Question
So after four decades of repressing my feelings in order to survive, and later as a way to cope, I'm now being asked to express them. Express what? How I felt living in that environment? I reply to my therapist "I felt scared, sad, angry, confused." Not good enough, I need to show those feelings, connect to those feelings, let them be heard for the first time, and I must do this so that they have less of an impact on me, my happiness, my life, and I can stop re-enacting my trauma. But I can't connect with them. I learned my lessons so well about repressing all those bad feelings that I don't know if I will ever be able to feel them which means I don't know if I can recover from this. I spent this entire past week trying to access sadness, fear, pain, and I can't. I can talk about what I experienced in the same way I talk about a movie I saw, matter-of-factly. What if I don't succeed in connecting in the remaining five weeks of the program? What if it never happens? Will I remain a prisoner of my trauma, sentenced to live out the rest of my life like a character in "Ground Hog Day" re-enacting events of the past, because I don't know how not to?? Now I'm scared for real... but not of my trauma.