tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39396568268216370362024-03-20T18:32:34.266-07:00The View From Here...Increasing understanding of mental illness by sharing my personal struggle with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. It's crucial that sufferers not feel stigmatized and are not afraid to ask for help, especially the children. It's natural to be afraid of things we don't understand, so maybe by sharing our experiences, we can make a difference. Talk with others, ask questions, share this blog. Mental illness is not something of which to be afraid. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-33804064763808271482016-07-01T07:14:00.001-07:002016-07-02T16:36:18.043-07:00DO IT ALL!!! NO REGRETS!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-25832743499590640602015-12-26T12:07:00.000-08:002015-12-26T12:07:31.062-08:00So What Happens to People After Treatment?? Are They Cured?This might be a question some of you have asked of this blog or of those you know who received treatment for mental health problems. "Where did she go?" "Is she OK?" "Maybe she's cured and has nothing to talk about any more?" For those of you visiting this blog for the first time, I've chronicled my journey to wellness here, so I invite you to start at the beginning if you or someone you love struggles.<br />
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Well, I'm still here, have't really gone anywhere except for Greece and Italy which was AMAZING!!! I'm ok, but I'm certainly not cured!! I wish!! Or do I...<br />
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Since leaving the PTSR treatment program at the Homewood in May 2013, a lot has happened. I made a gradual return to full time work over a period of twelve months, I've traveled to far away places for the first time in my life and alone on one particular occasion! Along with my regular day job, I've dabbled in some entrepreneurial work which I continue to develop, I've given talks about transitioning from treatment back into the real world, I've served on committees for mental health in the workplace, and I continue to see my psychiatrist every three months, and I continue to have really bad days and short periods where I fear I may be sinking into darkness again, so am I cured? Absolutely not!! But I am coping well and enjoying a content and balanced life for the most part, but not without a great deal of effort.<br />
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My depression over the last couple of months has been mild to moderate on an almost daily basis which creates problems with motivation. Sometimes I feel like working out at the gym or going to yoga which are essential to my treatment and progress and sometimes I don't. I have to exercise compassion for myself while also holding myself accountable, it's a fine line. My lack of motivation and difficulty focusing spills over into my work as well sometimes making me feel inept or "less than"again requiring me to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I need to force myself to go to the gym or do work, and it isn't easy, but I always feel proud of myself after I've done what I didn't have any desire or energy to do earlier.<br />
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I also witnessed a horribly fatal car accident this past week where I was witness to a transport truck colliding with an oncoming vehicle killing the driver and orphaning her 11 year old son. Having received treatment for PTSD, I find myself now sorting through the intrusive memories from this event as well as the numbness that accompanies witnessing such a senseless tragedy. I have moments of rage when I hear others complain about the stress of the holidays or who didn't give them what for Christmas, and I expect this will continue for a period of time until I learn to once again employ the tools I was taught to help process this very intense and triggering experience. I also find myself getting angry for having to deal with all these issues all over again!! I did this already!! I spent a great deal of time and energy doing this two years ago, and I don't want to have to do it again! But I do have to do it again, and I expect this most likely will not be the last time I have to do it again, but unlike two years ago, I now understand what happens to the human brain during a trauma like this, and I also know what I need to do to self nurture and promote my own healing.<br />
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So what happens to people after treatment?? I suppose one of two things.... sadly, I think some either fall back into being a victim of their illness, criticizing themselves for not doing better or being better and perpetuating the cycle of shame that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness, and relying on old ineffective habits to cope simply because they're easier and more familiar. Or they work every day, to use those healthy coping tools to make progress, and to learn to enjoy a happy and fulfilled life; they learn to take risks again and to push their own personal expectations so that they can experience more than they're experienced in the past, and we do all of it knowing that any day, something can happen, a neurological imbalance can occur, a medication can stop working, or a tragic life event can side swipe us back into darkness, but we mustn't stop working to be well. None of us, mental health diagnosis or not, must ever stop trying to be the best version of ourselves we can be.<br />
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To all of you out there, I hope 2016 brings many opportunities for you to grow and experience the beauty of life and living, and to feel the love the lives inside of each of us!! Happy New Year!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-88009679660298532552014-08-13T18:44:00.000-07:002014-08-13T19:19:54.805-07:00Good-Bye, Mr. Williams: Gone but Never Forgotten...<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like millions of others, I was shocked to awaken yesterday morning to the news that Robin Williams had succumbed to an illness that so many of us struggle with daily. Why shocked?? I'm not sure..... Maybe because he just seemed so jolly, happy, gregarious, carefree, comfortable, confident, secure, financially stable, loved and admired by millions, in control of his illness because he was so damn successful. I realize now, it was a mask some of the time, I can fake a smile or laugh on my worst days too. Maybe, even though I suffer from depression as well, the stigma of the illness still lingers within and even I find it difficult to believe he's no longer with us.... when he had so much to live for. Ironically, on the evening he decided the pain was too much to bear, I watched him in the movie, "The Grumpiest Man in Brooklyn". Not one of his finer films, but ironically his character attempts to commit suicide because he is dying. It never occurred to me how much art was imitating life that evening.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Robin Williams has been on my blog page since I began writing it over two years ago. I chose his image for the exact reasons I'm now shocked that he's gone, because he is all these things while also being open about his struggles with depression and addiction which is also a mental illness. I was also struck by the quote <span style="background-color: white;"> <span style="line-height: 18.031999588012695px;">"I used to think the worse thing was ending up all alone. Now I think the worse thing is ending up with people who make you feel alone." Loneliness and alienation are very familiar to those with depression.</span></span><span style="background-color: #f9cb9c;"> </span>I remember when he first confessed to the public his mental health struggles many years ago. I believe he was one of the first of a long line of celebrities to admit their struggles with their mental health. I hadn't been diagnosed as having concurrent illnesses at the time, but I remember being in awe of his courage. Mental illness was far more stigmatized at that time then it is now. Some progress has been made thankfully. In fact, I'm certain many found his admission clear evidence explaining his "wackiness". It wouldn't be the first time a creative genius was revealed to have mental illness. There does seem to be a correlation somehow. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another irony, Mork was an alien who was banished from Ork because humour was forbidden. He was sent to Earth to study human emotions and at the end of each episode, Mork would report back to his leader revealing his latest revelations regarding human behaviour. Robin Williams seemed like a wise and gentle man even in those "pretend" reports to his superior. I wonder what Mork and Robin would have done without humour in their lives.... what would any of us do without it?? Laughter is said to be healing, and sadly even in the throws of his own illness, Robin Williams healed us time and time again. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm angry that he gave up! I'm certain there were other times when he considered ending his pain, but he got through them, we all do, why not this time??!! Why didn't he just ask for help? Why didn't he wait till someone came home?? If he, with all his wealth, success, and admirers cannot find a reason to stay alive, what hope is there for those of us who don't have a fraction of what he had?? What does Joe Blow have to live for if Robin Williams has nothing?? ... This is the nature of depression, he had everything to live for, but his mind told him otherwise. I'm not truly angry, but I know it's how many feel who are left behind to grapple with trying to understand that which is not understandable, that which is completely illogical.... except to those like myself who have had a brief glimpse of that moment, but survived. It's a terrifying question to ask, but what hope is there with a disease that seems to possess the minds of its victims rendering them their own worst enemy possibly even their own executioner?? How do I protect myself from myself?? In that moment, when our brains process a decision that is without logic, a decision that defies our very instinct to survive, when the pain of the illness is so severe that nothing is what it seems, and we compulsively seek to end the pain, at that moment there is no hope, unfortunately.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hope lies in the days, weeks, and years before that moment. In the treatments and care that need to be accessible to everyone. Hope is in educating families on how to recognize and care for those with mental illnesses just as we educate on how to avoid the flu. Hope is found in a society that doesn't look at Robin Williams and others who have been lost to depression as cowards, or as weak. People who suffer from depression are strong and resilient, they have to be. The decision to end their own lives is not their decision, they are not in their right minds, it is the disease that takes the lives of so many just as cancer does. Hope lies in the radical acceptance that if a loved one suffers from depression there is a possibility that that person might one day arrive at the same moment he did. In that radical acceptance of the illness and all the possible outcomes you can say to that loved one "if that moment arrives when you don't see a future, before you do anything, call me." How do I protect myself from myself?? I don't know if I can except by working hard trying to remain healthy. Don't ever let your loved one feel alone in this struggle. No one should ever leave this world without a loved one holding his/her hand. Yes, we have loved ones tragically ripped from our lives abruptly and violently sometimes which in itself can create a mental health issue, but where ever possible, no one should ever leave this world in absolute solitude, and that requires a profound paradigm shift in regards to how we look at death, life, and love. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.031999588012695px;">I am profoundly saddened that Robin Williams lost his battle with depression, but I also know that part of what made him someone I admired, someone whose quirkiness was extremely entertaining, someone who was able to make me laugh at the not so pretty people and aspects of life, was probably partly to do with his illness. Exedor was the "crazy" character on "Mork and Mindy" and studio audiences would explode with applause and laughter as soon as his made his entrance in his robes and flourishes. Many of us, myself included, like people who are little wacky when no harm is being done, some of us even admire them for having the courage to be themselves. Personally, because of my depression, I revel in the moments when I don't feel numb or sad. The simplest things give me joy, and I can find humour in almost anything... why not?? Sure as hell beats being depressed!! I believe too I have a lot of compassion for the pain of others, I'm easily moved by an act of kindness or someone else's vulnerability. I'm not saying I'm glad I have depression, I'm just saying that paradox strikes again and perhaps what we loved most about Robin Williams, his authenticity, his humour, his compassion, were the result of the very same thing that took his life. Good and bad exist in everything simultaneously.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18.031999588012695px;">Good-bye Mr. Williams. Since my childhood, you've been making me laugh. Thank you for the laughter, for the healing, and thank you for reminding us that there is still much work to be done. I'm grateful your suffering has ended, I'm sorry you couldn't find another way. May you rest in peace, sweet man. </span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-47059413717940156812013-08-28T08:37:00.000-07:002013-08-28T08:37:38.204-07:00Post Discharge Rant on PTSD Treatment<b>NOTE: This post was originally written June 2, 2013, but for some reason, I never published it. At that time, I was clearly struggling with the changes that needed to be made to manage my illness, and my most recent post "Did my PTSD Treatment Aid my Recovery?"seems to indicate "so far so good". I think you'll definitely notice the difference in tone between this post and the last which is further evidence you have the power to heal.</b><br />
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Okay, I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to participate in one of the best trauma programs in the county, and it was paid for by my insurance. I received something that so many Canadians cannot afford or must wait years to receive while suffering silently. I cannot adequately express the depth of my appreciation. That being said, there's something they didn't teach us.<br />
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It's a soft place to land inside. The environment is so supportive that some people don't actually want to leave. All meals are prepared, we receive group therapy three times a week, each patient has an around the clock nurse, our only responsibility as patients is to attend therapy and workshops on Loss, Re-enactments, Self-nurturing etc, and to focus entirely on our healing. <br />
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So when you get out, when I got out, sure I have all these great tools and a better understanding of my illness, but my only focus is no longer applying the tools and my healing because now I have children to care for, a mortgage to pay, a house to maintain, friends to support, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, appointments, you get the picture. How do I fit in meditation, relaxation, healthy self rewards, leisure activities, journal writing, and self nuturing, and I'm not even back to work yet! The fact has already been established that PTSD sufferers don't tend to their own needs; now we have been taught how to do that but in reality, there is no time to do that!! They don't tell us that!!! They don't tell us how incredibly difficult it is going to be to change, in my case 40 years of behaviour! They don't tell us that we're going to fail almost everyday for a very long time at implementing these changes. They don't tell us that our feelings of inadequacy are going to be reinforced by these expected failures. They don't tell us that a behaviour must be repeated something like 70 times before it becomes habit. They don't tell us that changing our brain structure is going to take a great deal of time, determination, perserverence, strength, stamina, and support and there will be times when we will feel hopeless, depressed, even suicidal! They don't tell us that we need to want, really want to heal, because it's going to take a shit load of work to do it!<br />
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A soft place to land is great, but a little "tough love" would have better served me in facing the overwhelming reality I am now facing. Being the perfectionist that I, and most of us, are I am really pissed at myself right now, and I'm really pissed at them for not preparing for THIS part. Life outside? Sucks!<br />
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Suicide rate is highest among people with PTSD, and one in ten Canadians has illness. That statistic is prior to treatment I would assume, and I'd be curious to know if it's higher post treatment. Knowing what to do and not being able to do it is kinda hopeless. It's kinda like expecting a chair bound person to be able to walk.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-1059523441914068732013-08-23T18:44:00.003-07:002013-08-23T19:00:11.532-07:00Did my PTSD Treatment Aid my Recovery?It's been too long since I've written, but I have good reason.... I've been enjoying life!<br />
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In May of this year, I "graduated" from a PTSD treatment program and as after any graduation, one wonders how much information was retained. Well I think I might have an idea.<br />
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I have been taking my children down East as part of their summer vacation every year for the last eleven years. My family is there, and I wanted my kids to know their very large East coast family. I also miss them terribly as I haven't any family here in Ontario, so it replenishes my spirit to be with them even if only for three weeks a year. The only problem has been I have to drive to get there. Like most, I can't afford to fly the entire family there and back. So we drive, I drive.... 1800km... each way. <br />
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Prior to my treatment, this road trip caused me unbearable anxiety, but I forced myself to do it. I promised my kids we would go every summer till they didn't want to go anymore. Many people with mental illness force themselves to smile, to go to work, to eat, to seem happy, to get out of the house. We force ourselves to do many things that most people do without even thinking, that's the nature of depression or PTSD. Taking an 1800km road trip was something I forced myself to do even though I was terrified of doing it, and I mean terrified! Why? No particular reason and for every possible reason.... I might get lost, I might get caught in between transport trucks, my car might break down, I might not be able to go as fast as the other cars and the drivers' might get angry, or I might have an accident and kill my entire family. That's anxiety, being worried or scared for no good reason. I would be so anxious about the trip that I couldn't sleep for three nights before we left! Yeah, then I got on the road with my three beautiful children and drove 1800km! I promised them, and I loathed myself for not being able to do what most individuals seem to do with ease, drive on the highway. "What is my problem?!" I would judgmentally and unknowingly say to myself. <br />
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My kids quickly learned that they weren't to talk to me or argue with one another for at least two hours after our departure. My anxiety was so intense that the slightest distraction could bring me to tears. My knuckles were white for those first two hours as I gripped the steering wheel as if our lives depended on it. Somehow I felt I could control the situation if I tightly held that steering wheel, and that was the main issue, a perceived lack of control. Change, transitions, or a perceived loss of control are extremely anxiety inducing for PTSD survivors. Once I had driven for a couple of hours, I began to believe that I did have control so I could loosen my grip, and my kids could behave like kids again. When we finally arrived at our destination, I would be exhausted from the 21 hour drive, which I divided between two days, not to mention the anxiety and lack of sleep. It would take at least three days for me to catch up on my rest, we would stay for another 12 days or so, but the anticipation of the return trip started the whole cycle again three days before we started our trek back. Not fun. This year, however, was different.<br />
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Four days before we were to embark on our pilgrimage, my daughter came to me and asked "are we still going down East this year?" I was curious about her question and responded "yes, why do you ask?" She observed that I hadn't packed yet, and I usually start doing that a week before we leave, and now I only had four days left to do it! I was sleeping normally, and I didn't seem the least bit irritable or stressed about the impending road trip. All astute observations which made me go "hmmmm". I slept fine the three nights before we left, and I actually was kind of excited about hitting the road and seeing the family! Unusual. As opposed to thinking I had to rush to get there as fast as possible to get myself and my children off the road as soon as possible, I decided to take my time. I gave myself permission to take my time. We spent two nights in Ottawa visiting a friend, and one night in Edmunston on the way down. I didn't grip the steering wheel ever, and instead of never veering from a very strict schedule as I had always done in past trips, I decided we should stay an extra couple of days because we wanted to. Suffice to say it was a relaxing, extremely enjoyable journey unlike the nightmares I had experienced in the past. So what was different this time?<br />
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I was in full fledged recovery. What exactly does that look like?<br />
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Not minimizing my trauma as "that's the way it goes", and accepting it for how traumatic it really was and how it affected me. I lost so much because of my trauma, I lost of my sense of security; I lost loss trust in living in a safe world; I lost trust in myself; I lost my childhood; I lost the ability to have healthy relationships; I lost understanding my own needs. I lost me. Finally, I allowed myself feel the pain of those losses and to grieve which was a huge load off my psyche.<br />
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Understanding how I continued to be a victim and my own abuser by denying my own needs, never treating myself, believing I'm not worthy or deserving of anything good. AS well, not even understanding what my own needs were let alone how to take care of them. I was addicted to productivity and care-taking. I took care of everyone else's needs, and I kept myself busy 14 hours a day so I wouldn't have to face my own problems. In doing this, I wouldn't have to do anything differently, because as unhealthy as my relationship was with myself , it was familiar, it was my only sense of security and that's what mattered most. I learned, however, that I had to get up the courage to start doing things differently in order to heal. <br />
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Finally, realizing how I constantly was living in fear of the past and the future. Fear any of the choices I had made may have been wrong, fear that I would never be rid of my past, fear that I wasn't a good mother to my children during their formative years, fear I would always be alone, fear of crashing my car. Fear prevented me from doing so many things, it prevented me from truly living. Every decision I made was based on fear, because this is an unsafe world, and I can't trust myself to make the right decisions. I never lived in the now because the now meant I had to face my own problems, feelings, and needs, and I had never learned how to do that. <br />
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So now I meditate almost every day because it clears my mind, and I know how flippin cluttered my mind can get if I let it. I go to yoga. I get outside every day, so I can feel grounded. I try to stay in touch with what I'm feeling and what I can do to take care of those feelings. I assert my needs when necessary. In general, I have a greater sense of trust in myself and the world around me or at the very least, I have choices about what I can do to feel safe in this world. So often I would say "I have no choice", I was trapped or so I thought.<br />
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I was truly blessed to be able to participate in such an amazing treatment program, and I wish everyone who needed it could have access to such treatment, but that's another entry altogether. If you are suffering from PTSD and feel nothing is ever going to change, you're not alone, there are support groups and lots of information out there that will help. I can say with certainty there is hope, but you will have to be brave and trust. We can fasten our seat belts, brace ourselves, grab hold of that wheel for dear life because we believe it's going to be a bumpy, hair raising ride right to the exhausting and bitter end, or we can collect what we need for our journey, lean back, get comfortable, and enjoy the ride trusting that the road we're on will ultimately lead us to our glorious and final destination. Give yourself permission to heal, you deserve a pleasant journey. <br />
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In comparing past behaviour to present, it's safe to say my treatment was instrumental in my ongoing recovery.<br />
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#posttraumaticstress #PTSDrecovery #healing Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-36881990579762586352013-06-12T12:03:00.002-07:002013-06-12T12:50:56.492-07:00Triggers, Will They Ever Stop???!!!<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: #cccccc;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: purple;">Do you know what it feels like to be taken completely by surprise by your brain, kidnapped, and dragged back into your past kicking and screaming?</span> </span></span></h3>
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Actually, never mind the dramatics, there isn't really time for kicking and screaming, before you even know it, you're there. That's a PTSD trigger.<br />
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After having been through the eight week treatment program, I guess I hoped my triggers had all been identified, and I didn't need to fear embarrassingly losing my shit in front of anyone again..... haha how foolish are we human beings, especially us mentally ill ones ;) Just a couple of days ago, I was visiting a friend, and she was telling a news story about a poor young woman who witnessed her father murdering her mother. Seemed like your average news story to me, which I diligently try to avoid for obvious reasons, but suddenly I found myself backing away from the conversation, covering my ears, and pleading with her "please don't say anymore, I can't listen". Without any warning, I was violently yanked back as if by a rope to when my father tried to kill my mother with a very large kitchen knife. I had no control over what was happening to my body, it was remembering the traumatic event, and there was nothing I could do to stop it at that moment. My heart raced, my shoulders tightened so much they hurt, my stomach seized, I had difficulty breathing, and I sobbed uncontrollably while the horrifying image of my past froze in front of my eyes. Another part of my brain knew what was happening, and because of my treatment program, I knew what I had to do, and so did my friend because I had told her before. I sat on a chair with my bare feet on the floor, my friend handed me an ice pack to hold on to, the coldness keeps us present, then I cognitively battled with my past as I tried to slow my breathing while looking around me naming the various objects and people I could see. My friend stayed with me for support and encouragement, when I stopped talking she would gently ask "what else do you see?". This brings us back to the present, if we can remain focused and grounded, much easier said then done.<br />
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Triggers can be extreme such as the one I just described, or they can manifest as an intense anxiety that simply requires one remove oneself from the situation. In any case, I don't think I've seen the last of them. I know that violence against women, real or otherwise, actually any violence, women screaming, men raising their voices, children screaming, guns, dishes breaking, or feeling trapped are some of my triggers, but I'm sure there are others I just haven't discovered yet. My awareness and the skills I'm developing will help me manage my triggers so that I'm not emotionally annihilated for the remainder of the day, but I do have a disability. Someone not knowing I have PTSD might fear I'm having a heart attack or suffocating, very traumatic for the person watching. So if you suffer from this disorder or you know someone who does, please talk about it, so everyone can feel in control, understood, and not be afraid. This is the stigma of mental illness. No one knows what to do or say, so they just back away from the situation, or act embarrassed, or minimize. Many individuals with PTSD won't even leave their homes, because they fear the embarrassment of being triggered and what that will look like to someone else...that's not fair to anyone. For someone else to be imprisoned in their own home for fear of how they might make someone else feel or for someone else to see a stranger in agony and not know what to do is not fair to anyone. I think we should wear PTSD bracelets with instructions on the back of how to handle the situation namely that an ambulance is not required, but an ice pack might be helpful. <br />
<br />
If you have PTSD, please talk about it to anyone who will listen because you know what?? Those triggers are never going to stop.<br />
<br />
For more info check out this site. <a href="http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/CopingTriggers.htm" target="_blank">http://ptsd.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/CopingTriggers.htm</a><br />
<br />
#PTSD, #triggers #PTSD sypmtoms, #dialogue about mental illnessAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-28687230956803315282013-05-22T12:40:00.001-07:002013-05-22T13:18:58.238-07:00Police Need Support for PTSDPTSD is especially prevalent among certain professions such as policing and emergency services. Unfortunately, they don't receive much support for putting their lives on the line every day. Those officers and emergency personnel are suffering and they're in our "our own backyards".<br />
<br />
This is an article about a Waterloo Constable who suffers from PTSD and was entrapped then charged for his addiction which I already mentioned is a common symptom of PTSD. He will be appealing his conviction, but the "holes" in "brass" arguments are already being scrutinized by blogger, Alan Marshall, who has been following Const. Robson's case.<br />
<a href="http://waterlooregionadvocate.blogspot.ca/2013/03/const-andrew-robson-appeals-conviction.html" target="_blank">http://waterlooregionadvocate.blogspot.ca/2013/03/const-andrew-robson-appeals-conviction.html</a><br />
<br />
This is the article to which blogger, Alan Marshall, refers.<br />
<a href="http://www.therecord.com/news/local/article/908677--police-act-charges-against-waterloo-regional-police-officer-delayed-pending-appeal" target="_blank">http://www.therecord.com/news/local/article/908677--police-act-charges-against-waterloo-regional-police-officer-delayed-pending-appeal</a><br />
<br />
Now RCMP are bringing attention to this serious and life threatening illness in this Globe and Mail article:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/rcmp-being-asked-to-help-officers-with-ptsd/article12055396/" target="_blank">http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/rcmp-being-asked-to-help-officers-with-ptsd/article12055396/</a><br />
<br />
Sadly, when officers are diagnosed with PTSD they are considered "broken" and the very "family" they once served and socialized with turns it's back on them entirely. I have know three police officers diagnosed with PTSD and the story has been the same in every case.<br />
<br />
I'd love to hear your opinion...... should police and emergency personnel be forced to retire/resign or be alienated after a diagnosis of PTSD? If not, what support should they receive?<br />
<br />
#PTSD #mental illness #RCMP #OPP #Waterloo Regional police #police suicide Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-91695444464979635052013-05-17T22:40:00.002-07:002013-05-17T22:53:29.906-07:00Picasso and PTSD??<span style="background-color: white;"><span></span></span><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="background-color: white;">While I was in the hospital being treated for PTSD, I was encouraged to find a hobbie, a leisure activity, something I could do where time would just flow, and I would enjoy what I was doing. There wasn't anything like that in my life, besides theatre, till now. The idea is that taking up a new activity will lay down new neural pathways which will assist me in changing the unwanted behaviours of PTSD. I took up drawing. This is the World Premiere of my first four pieces!</span></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-7447942980767594372013-05-16T09:54:00.000-07:002013-05-16T09:54:03.291-07:00"21 Ways to Keep Your Shit Together When You're Depressed" by Rosalind Robertson Some of you may have already read this elsewhere, but in the even that you haven't, here it is. Nothing like poking a little bit of fun at ourselves. I Love this post!!! <br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre" target="_blank">http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-15732188394988363902013-05-13T08:36:00.001-07:002013-05-24T09:31:37.658-07:00My PTSD Treatment is Ending, but my Work is Just Beginning.Well, here it is, my discharge week, and the question on all your minds is most likely "was it worth it?"<br />
<br />
No doubt about it, it was hard, emotionally draining, painful, embarrassing, even terrifying at times as I faced intense emotions that were very difficult to control even overwhelming, and I've only just begun to understand and grieve what I now realize I lost due to my trauma, so more emotions to face.<br />
<br />
At the risk of sounding dramatic or self pitying, I lost my entire childhood. I will never know what it feels like to be excited about coming home to show my parents something, I always feared going home. I will never know what it is to be protected by my dad or told I'm special. I lost my sense of security and safety, essentially I lost trust in a safe world that contains safe people. I lost my dignity and the opportunity to discover who I was as I grew up, because I was always concerned about "keeping the peace". If others were happy then I was happy, and that's how I functioned up until two weeks ago, and these are only the primary losses, there are also secondary losses which are spin offs of the primary losses. For example, I also lost my chosen career as a performer, because I couldn't remember choreography or script due to the damage to my brain caused by the trauma. That damage also caused me to have great difficulty focusing which made most activities frustrating at the very least and reinforced my feelings of inadequacy. As a coping mechanism during childhood, I numbed myself to the terror and fear otherwise I wouldn't have been unable to protect myself and my siblings. That terror, anger, sadness and fear, however, remained locked away in my brain as I continued to try to numb myself from it's effects by being addicted to productivity. I worked 12 hours days most days, and still managed to direct, perform, and go to the gym and hot yoga. This way I wouldn't have to think about my feelings or needs, I could just go on denying them just as I did when I was a kid. Some become addicted to alcohol or other substances, but any addiction is self harming which is another symptom of PTSD<br />
<br />
As a result of my trauma, I was taught many core beliefs that were untrue such as I'm unworthy, unlovable, undeserving, I don't work hard enough, and the pressure of believing I can always do better (perfectionism is another symptom). I also developed many fears that interfered with my relationships and my ability to live a "free" life, and these have remained with me all my life. My fear of abandonment.... when people didn't return my texts, or when my teenage children began to exert their independence, caused intense anxiety which reflected my belief that the person not replying or my children pulling away from me meant they didn't care or love me, and they were going to leave me, and I would react in an destructive and desperate manner such as yelling, accusations, or even hurting the other person for allegedly hurting me. Any time I felt a loss of control, I would become extremely agitated, even angry because having as much control as possible makes me feel safe. I don't trust my own judgment most times until I mull over a decision for days causing me more anxiety. Essentially, I have been "stuck" in my trauma for the last 40 years.<br />
<br />
<br />
Trauma changes the brain's structure which is the reason for many symptoms exhibited by sufferers of PTSD....<br />
<ul>
<li>
<b>Can’t find the words to express your thoughts?</b> That’s because the
prefrontal lobe (responsible for language) can be adversely affected by
trauma, which gets in the way of linguistic function.</li>
<li>
<b>Can’t regulate your emotions?</b> How could you when the amygdala
(responsible for emotional regulation) is in such overdrive that in some
PTSD survivors it actually enlarges.</li>
<li>
<b>Having problem with short-term memory loss?</b> Of course you are:
studies show that in some PTSD survivors the hippocampus (responsible
for memory and experience assimilation) actually shrinks in volume.</li>
<li>
<b>Always feeling frightened no matter what you do?</b> Understandable
when your medial prefrontal cortex (responsible for regulating emotion
and fear responses) doesn't regulate itself or function properly after
trauma.<a href="http://www.thesurvivorsclub.org/health/neurological/trauma-and-the-brain-understan" target="_blank"> http://www.thesurvivorsclub.org/health/neurological/trauma-and-the-brain-understan</a></li>
</ul>
Fortunately, the very plasticity that negatively impacted my brain due to trauma can also be used to positively affect my brain, but it will be a life long process as I continue to experience triggers and re-enactments. At least now I know what they are, and I can choose, if I can remain strong, to not allow them to have as much power over me by grounding, using meditation, mindfulness, different reactions and choices to what was once habitual, I've also taken up drawing (I'll post some of my work here some time soon). All these things lay new neural pathways that help the brain to return to what is closer to normal. Let it be known, however, anyone with trauma will never be completely the same again.<br />
<br />
So I still have a lot of work to do, old habits die hard, and the grieving and mourning of my losses has really just begun, but now I understand, and because I understand, I hope I can make different choices whereas before, in my mind, I hadn't any choices. I'm sure it will be two steps forward and once step back most of the time, and many thanks to those of you who sent messages of support.The people in the program with me were incredibly strong, creative, and inspirational, they taught me even more than the psychiatrists, I'm so grateful and honoured to have shared this experience with them.<br />
<br />
Please share any of this with someone you think might have PTSD, or if you have a question I can answer, I would be happy to do so.<br />
<br />
So was the pain, sadness, and fear all worth it? Absolutely! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-52724180089644722822013-04-20T17:35:00.000-07:002013-04-24T11:59:01.228-07:00Trauma Bonding - The Ties That Bind<span style="color: #741b47;">As I mentioned in a previous post, I couldn't connect to my feelings.
This past couple of weeks, however, have uncovered some intensely painful feelings.
I discovered that shame has taken root in me like a hundred year old
tree. It is insidious. "Shame is a sickness of the soul. It is the most poignant experience of the self by the self, whether felt as humiliation or cowardice, or in a sense of failure to cope successfully with a challenge. Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another" (Kaufman 1996). Shame results in feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, self doubt, perfectionism, and hopelessness.People with post
traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, don't believe they deserve to be happy, because we're bad people. Even if we are happy for a moment then it isn't going to last because eventually the
other shoe will drop.... these are typical thoughts, trauma bonds, in the minds of most
trauma survivors. Last post, I was fearful I wouldn't be able to connect
with the feelings surrounding my trauma. This past week, I wish I
hadn't.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">I expressed to my therapy group that I didn't deserve to be with them,
because in my opinion, they had suffered traumas much worse than mine. My childhood
wasn't really that bad in comparison to what they experienced. They compassionately and adamantly kept telling me, trying to convince me that that wasn't the case. Trauma is
trauma. They wanted me to see the truth, so I could move on, so I could
become "unstuck" in the past, and yet the voices that told me for forty years, in
order to cope, "that my life isn't so bad", my voice; and the voice that
told me I wasn't worthy of compassion, understanding or having my needs
met, my father's voice, and how could my father be wrong, prevailed
again, and again, and again making it impossible for me to accept what
they were telling me. This is one of my many trauma bonds, my unhealthy or toxic relationship with myself. Again, I am trapped
in my past. I'm very depressed now. I rejected the support I was being
offered, and depression is the result of not having one's needs met.
I needed that support, and rejecting support is a form of self harm which is also common to PTSD
survivors. Substance abuse, cutting, starving, or simply not giving
yourself what you need are forms of self harm. It saddens me deeply to
realize that I think so little of myself when my heart knows I'm worthy, but
my mind has been poisoned to believe otherwise.Some symptoms of toxic shame as indicated in my program:</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Believing I am a bad person.</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Constantly belittling of one's self or others</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* A compulsion to rescue hurting or needy people.</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Excessive sensitivity and defensiveness to imagined or actual criticism or rejection</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Habitually putting one's own needs or welfare last</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Rarely buying anything nice for one's self or going on special trips</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Deflecting compliments</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Chronically giving time and energy to others and getting little or nothing in return</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Repeatedly choosing, justifying, tolerating toxic relationships or situations.</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Not setting and enforcing holistically healthy boundaries with self and others</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Self-sabotage: setting one's self up for failure</span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;">* Choosing a direct-contact human-service profession i.e. clergy, medicine, education, law enforcement, social worker etc. </span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">When
I told my therapy group that my father had devoured my heart with his ungodly
actions and hateful words, and that I was incapable of love, they again were surprised at my
comment and told me I had repeatedly demonstrated I was an extremely
thoughtful person always supporting others, showing compassion and
kindness whenever it was needed and without hesitation, but they also
observed I never do those things for myself. Instead, I beat myself up
for not doing enough. I couldn't hear those words either. I wanted so
badly to believe what they were telling me, to hear them, but it goes against every core
belief I was ever taught which is that I'm a bad person. I broke down and cried at the realization. Shame is a
major symptom of PTSD whether the trauma is related to combat, policing,
or childhood abuse. We often feel "I could have done better", "if
only...", "it was all my fault" when in actuallity none of that is true,
if we could only objectively examine the facts... another example of our toxic relationship with ourselves, our trauma bond, we remain attached, tied to our trauma and our pain.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">Attachments are a normal much needed part of our development. We can learn healthy attachment or unhealthy attachment even as adults where you may have been held captive or felt trapped for a long period of time. Some survivors are so traumatized and hurt that they feel they don't need anyone, so they isolate which leads to major depression and possibly suicide. The unhealthy attachments we learned are what we look for throughout our lives because it is familiar, thus we victimize ourselves over and over again, if we don't break that bond.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">I'm terrified of making a shift in my beliefs even
if those new beliefs are healthier, but that is the nature of a trauma
bond. We fear the unknown, change, unpredictability, we need to feel in
control, and we become very anxious if we don't feel we are in control,
so we would rather stick with what is familiar, shame, unhealthy
relationships, isolation, toxic work environments, playing our role as
rescuer or care giver to our own detriment even though we KNOW these
behaviours are unhealthy. Some of you might be saying, "come on, just
make the choice to believe differently." Easier said then done. For
example, suppose evidence came to light that perhaps God doesn't really
exist and then asking a Christian to accept that truth.Not only is it
preposterous in the Christian's mind, but the very thought of even
trying to make that shift causes such suffering that it would hurt them deep within their souls.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">We all wear masks. When asked "how are you?" we almost always respond "good, fine, great"... not always true, but easier than explaining how we're really feeling. The mask worn by trauma survivors isn't always easily hidden. Sometimes we just seem numb, unable to connect emotionally, or sometimes we seem angry for no reason, irritable, hot-tempered, sad, and have no idea why. Many can't even identity their emotions, because the only one they ever feel is anger and justifiably so. Why? Because we are stuck in the past, we are stuck in the moment or time our trauma occurred. Naturally,
the feeling at that time was anger and that's where we remain stuck for years in some cases, four decades in my particular case. Anxiety is another feeling we live with
because we're stuck. We're in a low grade "flight or fight" response all
the time.We don't know frustration, giddiness, disappointment, cheerful, joy, sorrow, aggravated, reticent, apprehension, caution, and the list goes on and on. The possible spectrum of emotions we can experience is completely unfamiliar to us, so in my treatment program, I am being taught to practice identifying my emotions, not an easy task when you've been faking it all your life.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;">The trauma bonds are strong, my core beliefs, my attraction to people who need help, my tendency to get involved with people or situations that hurt me. They're like a demon clutching your soul in its claws, you're too afraid to move, because you know it's going to hurt like hell if you do. However, if we are to heal, if we are to recover, if we are to become unstuck so that we can live life in the present, enjoy and be grateful for what's right in front of us without subconsciously poisoning it with our past, then we need to fight that demon and break those bonds or at least begin recognize them. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? Well, if I'm going to hurt anyway, then it might as well be with the hopes of living life in the present not in the tragic past.</span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><i><b>If you feel you might have been exposed to trauma, if any of this sounds familiar to you, there are tests on line to assist you if you might be concerned about PTSD. Even if you don't do the tests, talk to your doctor about your symptoms and possibly your trauma. Help is available, and you deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else.</b></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><i><b>That's the view from here right now.... I'll keep you posted on the remainder of my journey. Thanks for stopping by. :)</b></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<i><b><span style="color: #741b47;">Kaufman, Gershen. (1996) <u>The Psychology of Shame 2nd Ed.</u>, Springer Pub. New Y</span>ork </b></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-3860661256045328252013-04-20T16:02:00.001-07:002013-04-20T16:02:01.471-07:00Depression Contagious??<div style="text-align: left;">
I've heard debates about this question, and this study's findings say "yes"! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://life.nationalpost.com/2013/04/19/risk-factors-for-depression/" target="_blank">http://life.nationalpost.com/2013/04/19/risk-factors-for-depression/</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-54321958385544872172013-04-05T11:10:00.000-07:002013-04-05T13:19:32.777-07:00Who Am I without my PTSD??<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #660000;"><i><b>...The Million Dollar Question</b></i></span></h3>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #660000;">The journey continues, and I've reached a pit stop the sign reads "Who Are You?", and what is your story? Well, I thought I had the answers to those questions; I'm a mother of three, I'm single, a professional, a sister, and a friend. All true, but also generic.</span> <span style="color: #660000;">Who is Lisa? What does she like? What does she dislike? What are her values? How does she feel about herself? What are her goals and dreams?</span> <span style="color: #660000;">The answer to those questions.... I haven't a clue, and the reason is that people with PTSD usually don't believe they're going to live a long life in this unsafe world, so we don't plan for the future. We have no idea how to provide for our own needs, because we don't know what they are anymore, if we ever knew at all. At some point, a trauma changed our thinking, literally rewired us to believe and act as though our needs are secondary or don't exist at all. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #660000;">Trauma, I'm told in my treatment, is a wound to the soul, a betrayal, a profound and painful loss of more than just our identity, but our sense of security, belonging, ability to trust and find happiness in a world that we now or have always believed is unsafe. At the moment of trauma, all control is taken away from the victim, usually violently, along with our sense of dignity and self worth in some cases. In my case, the trauma</span> <span style="color: #660000;">was not an event or series of events, it was severe, repeated, and lasted 17 years. It didn't shatter my identity as is the case with trauma through acute events, it prevented me from even forming an identity. For some trauma sufferers, treatment is about trying to return to, as much as possible, who we were before the trauma occurred, before our schema of the world and our place in it was poisoned, but for people like me, it's like trying to discover who I would be if my trauma had never occurred... no small task especially with two deceased parents and being the oldest of four children, I have more memories than they do!! My identity, my role all my life, has been to take care of others. Telling you a bit more of my story will help you better understand.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #660000;">Mental illness runs in my family. My father was an addict and had what I now believe was IED, intermitent explosive disorder which is described by the Mayo Clinic as "</span><span style="color: #660000;">involving repeated episodes of impulsive,
aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you
react grossly out of proportion to the situation. Road rage, domestic
abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums may be
signs of intermittent explosive disorder.
</span><span style="color: #660000;">People with intermittent explosive disorder may attack others and their possessions, causing bodily injury and property damage.....", and it is also strongly associated to substance abuse. I have very few memories of my childhood before the age of 13 and what I do remember, isn't good. My earliest memory of my father is when I was about two, still in diapers, I remember the cotton diaper feeling wet. I was standing on a chair in the kitchen, and my daddy arrived home from work. Of course, I was excited to see him screeching his name and jumping up and down arms extended to come pick me up. He closed the door and turned to me and instead of seeing the joy that most fathers would have at seeing his first born little girl at the end of the day, I saw something that I couldn't identify at that age, and it wasn't good. I was confused. His face was red, his eyes were bugging out, and he had a look like he was going to kill me. This was a look I would see often for the next 15 years. He marched toward my chair and even with what I saw on his face, I still believed he was coming to happily pick me up, but I remember being slightly afraid and still confused. When he got to my chair, he grabbed hold of the back of it, yanked it out from underneath me, and I went crashing to the floor. I don't remember anything after that.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #660000;">There were many other events like that one throughout my life, filled with rage, terror, chaos, psychologically, physically, spiritually and emotionally damaging events and words. Sometimes his anger was directed toward me, but most of the time it was directed toward my mother. I have three younger siblings, so it then became my job to protect and provide for them which I did from the day my younger sister was born, I was six years old. So based on this one event, what I say next will make more sense.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #660000;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #660000;">I re-enacted over and over again the role of care-giver all my life; with my siblings, with my chosen vocation, with my partner of 14 years, and with my friends, my children even as teenagers, always trying do as much as possible for others while doing nothing for myself. I believed if I could keep others happy, keep the peace, then I would be happy too. Plus, how could I do anything for myself, I didn't realize that I needed the exact same things I was giving others, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, love, because it was never given to me. My upbringing had taught me I was invisible, I didn't exist or at least my needs didn't. The horrible things my father did and said to us also made me feel unworthy, unlovable, and incapable of anything. So what did I do? I spent my entire life trying to prove him wrong. I moved to another province, got my own place, and a full time job at the age of 17. I put myself through 8 years of post-secondary school while raising two toddlers with my partner, and working a part time job. I busted my ass to be the best I could be at everything, student, mother, human being, so that what he said about me could not be true, and I was willing to pay a very high cost; my health and sanity. Still, I was going to be the best at everything!! My self expectations were extremely high, and believed if I could do it then my friends, children, and partner could do it too. Sadly, my expectations were unrealistic, and cost me my relationship and my two oldest children moved out at a young age, because they couldn't take my controlling nature and high expectations.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #660000;">That is my childhood in a nutshell. I was raised in a violent and chaotic environment, my father was my "captor" and abuser, and I had no control over anything. I didn't even have the right to feel sad, angry or afraid because I would be punished for expressing those feelings, and they were too intense so I buried them, I disocciated, I told myself things weren't as bad as I thought they were which is called "minimizing". Many survivors do this in order to cope with the memories and the tragedy of what occurred. I'm certain this sounds very familiar to some of you, and if it does, talk to your doctor.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">So after four decades of repressing my feelings in order to survive, and later as a way to cope, I'm now being asked to express them. Express what? How I felt living in that environment? I reply to my therapist "I felt scared, sad, angry, confused." Not good enough, I need to show those feelings, connect to those feelings, let them be heard for the first time, and I must do this so that they have less of an impact on me, my happiness, my life, and I can stop re-enacting my trauma. But I can't connect with them. I learned my lessons so well about repressing all those bad feelings that I don't know if I will ever be able to feel them which means I don't know if I can recover from this. I spent this entire past week trying to access sadness, fear, pain, and I can't. I can talk about what I experienced in the same way I talk about a movie I saw, matter-of-factly. What if I don't succeed in connecting in the remaining five weeks of the program? What if it never happens? Will I remain a prisoner of my trauma, sentenced to live out the rest of my life like a character in "Ground Hog Day" re-enacting events of the past, because I don't know how not to?? Now I'm scared for real... but not of my trauma.</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #660000;"><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/intermittent-explosive-disorder/DS00730" target="_blank">http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/intermittent-explosive-disorder/DS00730</a></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-66335745487515664642013-03-30T08:32:00.001-07:002013-03-30T13:56:39.200-07:00Bullying - We are more than our respective traumas....<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><i>Reduced me to tears....</i></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #741b47;"><i>A nice break from my personal experience to learn that we are not alone in our pain.... </i></span></h2>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #741b47;">Amazing how powerful creativity is in communicating an idea. What really resonates with me in this piece is the complete eradication of self that results from trauma in this case, bullying. When someone has been traumatized or abused as a child, they never learn who they really are, only who their abusers tell them they are. I'm not even certain that little girl who was traumatized repeatedly as a child even exists any more, but only now, or since my treatment began last Fall, am I beginning to learn who she became and what I need now because what I needed as a child was irrelevant. I'm also beginning to learn "it's not so much about the pain as it is the beauty."<i> </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47;">An inspiring, moving, and haunting spoken word piece about mental illness, depression, pain, loneliness, loss, identity, and bullying. Spoken word, for those unfamiliar with this unique genre of art, is a spoken poem sung without a melody but just as beautiful as any song. In a Canadian "Ted Talks" clip, Shane Koyczan is compelling and authentic in his creative rendering of the pain and the beauty of mental illness. Anyone who has ever experienced bullying or depression will be touched by his words. It is a twelve minute piece, but I guarantee you, it's worth every second. Just another sufferer of mental illness taking something painful and finding value in it, and finding a way to communicate it as honestly as possible to the world. I have so much admiration for this man.... love it!</span><br />
<h3>
<i><span style="color: #4c1130;">"Art is a personal act of courage, something one human does that creates change in another." Godin.</span></i></h3>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-51038144745426519832013-03-27T07:05:00.001-07:002013-03-27T12:21:56.993-07:00Like it or Not, I'm back there - PTSD Phase 2 of RecoveryI got the green light. Seems I'm ready to travel where no PTSD survivor has gone before.... well, actually they have, but this is my own personal quest to seek out new life, peace, and contentment. <br />
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Yesterday, I received the news that I will be moving on to phase 2 today of treatment program for PTSD, and even before my first process group, or what most know as group therapy, I felt anxious, a little afraid, so I did some self-nurturing which is what I've been taught to do when I feel "unsafe" which I wrote about in an earlier post. Fear, by the way, is often felt in the stomach and neck as tension or tightness or even nausea. If you are able to listen to your body, it can send you valuable messages, but because of PTSD, our minds are often filled with so many thoughts and fears, we overlook the very evidence that can help us grow. So I put on some soothing music, lied down on my hospital bed with the coziest, softest blanket I own, and visualized places where I feel safe; the beach in PEI which is the photo posted on my blog, my yoga studio, or being in my cousin Mary's house, I feel so much love and warmth there. I began to feel relaxed, a slight smile began to curl in the corners of my mouth when BOOM, out of nowhere, in my mind a little girl cried, "I was a good girl, I was a sweet little girl, why couldn't you love me, Daddy?!!" and the tears began to role down my cheeks like I was eight years old again.<br />
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This is what is known as an <b><i>intrusive thought. </i></b>Intrusive thoughts are random thoughts related to the original trauma that arise at any point during your day. Most often, the feelings associated with the thoughts are pushed back down, so we can continue on with the work of psuedo-living, but in the safe environment of the hospital away from the stresses of life, we are encouraged to "sit with" those feelings for a time, recognize them for what they are, in this case grief and sadness, then let them go. Those feelings have lain dormant in my subconscious for over 40 years, the body never forgets, even though we think we're "over it" and unless we've actually given ourselves the time to experience the loss and pain, then being "over it" is just a lie we tell ourselves to avoid dealing with it.<br />
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So that was a preview, I suppose, of what is to come. Interestingly, we were asked to create three goals for our treatment. One of mine was to find that little girl, and let her say what she was never allowed to say, feel what she was never allowed to feel, her feelings and needs didn't matter. Another goal is to learn how my particular trauma re-enactments have had a negative impact on the relationships in my life and, hopefully, change those patterns; the final goal is to learn to control my dissociative behaviour and recognize my triggers, so I can lead a more productive life and feel good about what I accomplish as opposed to criticizing myself for what I didn't accomplish. <br />
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I always like to bring it all back to the wonders of the human mind.... this organ knows exactly what we need in every aspect of living; when we're hungry, it sends a message to the stomach, when we're tired, it sends a message to the entire body to stop and rest, and when we're in emotional pain and have not had our needs met for a very long time, and too stubborn to recognize this, I might add, it tells us by making us so sad and depressed that we either end our own lives or we doing something about it.<br />
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If you are reading this blog for the first time, if any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've suspected that maybe you have a mental illness that needs attention, please please don't be afraid to seek help, you have much right to health and happiness as anyone else. In fact, I could say you have an obligation to take care your health in order to ensure the health and happiness of those you love. If my father had sought help, I wouldn't be writing this blog today.... that's the view from here for now.... be well everyone. :)<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-18773151165108001382013-03-24T17:49:00.003-07:002013-03-24T17:49:48.559-07:00Post Traumatic Stress Recovery - Phase 1<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i><b>Psychobabble</b></i></span></h2>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #0c343d;"><u>Phase 1 - The assessment phase.</u> This is to prepare us for what is to come in phase 2, and how to deal with it. Some may not be ready to move on to phase 2 of the program, because they still haven't completely grasped the "tools" they will need to handle the intense emotions that will arise in phase 2. So the last couple of days, Saturday and Sunday included, have been oriented toward understanding and creating "safety" and familiarizing ourselves with some of the terminology which will be used throughout the remaining seven weeks. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Safety </b></span></h2>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #0c343d;"><u>Safety,</u> all my life, has meant if I'm not being physically assaulted, but it's much more than that and integral part of PTSD recovery. Most of us who suffered some form of abuse, especially as children, have a pretty low standard for safety, I've come to realize, as it's much more subtle than my definition would imply. Safety is the cornerstone to recovery because without it, there is no trust, no opening up, no trying to connect with feelings that have long since been buried. First and foremost, we each sign an agreement that we will never divulge the names of other patients or even share their experiences anonymously with anyone</span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;">, <span style="color: #0c343d;">so everything you read here are my feelings, experiences, and reactions and mine alone. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #0c343d;">Secondly, we are taught how to keep ourselves "safe" which is easier said then done, because of the trauma, we never learned what our own needs were or how to identify our feelings because they were repressed. All control was taken from us, even something as simple as being allowed to feel your feel feelings was not permitted. Whenever we feel uncomfortable, uneasy, agitated, threatened, and not prepared to deal with feelings in an open and confident manner, we are encouraged to take steps to regain our sense of security and control whether that means breathing or grounding techniques, holding a safety object such as a photo or for some, a crucifix, or even if it means excusing ourselves from the situation altogether until we can stabilize our feelings then returning; we must always feel that we are in control, and we can make our own choices, something our trauma did not allow us to do and that was terrifying. Whenever a trauma survivor's sense of control is being compromised or threatened, even after the trauma, they undergo a re-enactment of the trauma and feel the same feelings they felt then, and this is only one of the ways we re-enact our trauma.</span></span></span></div>
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<h2>
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="color: #20124d;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Re-enactments </span></span></span></span></span></h2>
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #0c343d;">We live what we learn and experience. We <u>re-enact</u> our traumas every day in our occupations, relationships, circumstances, feelings, reactions and on and on by playing one of the three roles in the victim trauma triangle; victim, rescuer or care-giver, or abuser. Trauma survivors seem to have chaos follow them wherever they go, because that is what they consider "safe" or familiar. I've always jokingly said "if there isn't any chaos in my life then I will create some", I had no idea how profoundly true that was. For example, if you were a care-giver during your trauma, which I was, I took care of my three younger siblings much of the time, I attempted to protect my mother from being beaten by my father, and I saved her life once too, then you are likely to re-enact that role throughout your life. As a trauma survivor, you might have also chosen an occupation where you provide for others such as a doctor, day care provider, teacher, nurse, police officer, to name a few or you might constantly be trying to solve others' problems in your personal and intimate relationships while giving very little attention to your own problems. You might look for people to rescue, or if in the victim role, you might be looking for someone to rescue you. You constantly look for "your knight in shining armour" only to find he's a mere imperfect mortal. You might feel a great amount of self pity and inability to change anything in your life, because of your trauma and your victim role. Finally, you can play the abuser as well, yes, you the victim can be the abuser by causing self harm, by not attending to your own needs, or by taking your deep seated and justified anger out on someone who doesn't deserve it. We can fluctuate between all three of these roles everyday not even knowing that our subconscious mind is re-enacting our trauma and not understand why our relationships are so unstable. Why? Because that is what we know best, that is what we ironically consider "safe", familiar, and finally somehow we think by playing those roles out over and over again, we can change the outcome. This time things will be different. They never will be until we come to understand what is really happening in our everyday lives and choose differently.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Triggers, re-enactments, and flashbacks</b>
are all aspects of post traumatic stress disorder. We are being
taught how to identify when those are happening, so that we can be aware
and respond to the present and not to the past. Ironically, these
things, along with <b>dissociation</b> are so habitual that not only are they almost an every day occurrence, but we aren't even aware, for the most part, they are happening, and that is what we are being taught, how to recognize them. One trigger for more is when a man become aggressive or angry, my heart starts racing, my chest becomes tight, I have shortness of breath, and I have this overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen because that what happened with my Dad. I am not responding to the present I am responding to the past and being aware of that will have me have better control of my emotions.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="color: #0c343d;">Phase one will end on Tuesday for some of us, and we will continue on to phase two where we will go into group therapy and start digging up some of these feelings and how they affect us in our present lives. Not sure I'm looking forward to that.... </span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-23526990388334719892013-03-20T17:32:00.001-07:002013-03-24T08:53:02.082-07:00Recovery - Day 1As you might expect, the first day wasn't too eventful. Because I've been here before I found myself looking for all my old friends from the last treatment program, and of course, they weren't here, sadly.<br />
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So, check-in 9AM, go to my room, unpack, spend an hour answering questions for the nurse, unpack some more, go to lunch, fill out more paper work about my family's history of mental illness, and there is a lot, state how I cope or react in certain situations, and if I could improve anything here at the hospital what would it be? FOCUS!!! If I could only focus long enough, I might not forget my keys every time I lay them down, or I might actually complete one of the three tasks I had on my list of "things to do today", and I might actually feel good about myself for having accomplished something! Filling out those papers took another hour and a half.<br />
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Now I'm waiting for my doctor to come and "assess" my situation and needs. In the meantime, I lie on my bed and begin to read through the 58 page booklet they gave me. Some interesting stuff in it, some of which I mentioned in my last post, but with much more explanation. "Dissociation" catches my eye, it's a classic symptom of PTSD, but one I never really understood. Basically, it's a coping mechanism used, especially in repeated trauma such as child abuse, and " simply described, dissociation is an experience of going away in one's mind". It's a way of coping where the brain automatically goes to because of the repetetive nature of the trauma. Unfortunately, it becomes a habit and never stops in many cases, even after the trauma has stopped.<br />
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My doctor arrives, and again, lots more questions. I asked her "how long you can someone dissociate for? What length of time? " She said anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours.... what?!! So I describe to her what I think might be my personal experience of dissociation. I'm leaving the grocery store, as I pull out of the parking lot, I remind myself to pick my daughter up before I go home. Next thing I know, I'm pulling into my driveway WITHOUT my daughter, and I don't remember a thing after pulling out of the parking lot, I don't remember any of the drive!! She said that's a classic example. Then other examples begin to come to mind.... walking somewhere in my house, on a sidewalk, and stopping dead in my tracks for a minute or two for no apparent reason, then continuing to walk now trying to remember where I was going. Pulling up to a stop light and when the light turns green, I don't know which way to turn because I dissociated while waiting for the light to change and now I don't know where I'm going! Sitting staring at the wall for thirty minutes or so thinking it was only a couple of minutes! Listening to someone talk for five minutes and not remembering a word he or she said! " This method of coping becomes automatic and often uncontrollable and has
severe consequences for managing the demands of everyday relationships,
work and self-care."No kidding!! Then she asked me how often I dissociate? Everyday. Several times a day. No wonder the to do list keeps getting so long!<br />
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Everyone dissociates a little, daydreaming, watching tv to unwind, crashing on the couch after a hard day, but when it is unintentional and frequent, well you can see the problem.<br />
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So uneventful, yes, but I did learn something. Now I just need to learn how to stop doing it!!<br />
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These sites have more info and are the sources for the direct quotations in this post.<br />
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<a href="http://www.traumaresource.com/ComplexPTSDandDissociativeDisorder.en.html" target="_blank">http://www.traumaresource.com/ComplexPTSDandDissociativeDisorder.en.html</a><br />
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<a href="http://ww.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-connection-between-trauma-and-dissociation.htm" target="_blank">ww.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-connection-between-trauma-and-dissociation.htm</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-59709022384529078332013-03-18T17:21:00.000-07:002013-03-18T17:24:21.677-07:00Symptoms of PTSD<br />
<h3>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> In my previous post about PTSD, I listed some possible sources of trauma, but one I neglected to mention is the loss of a loved one such as a parent or child. Most people move through the grieving process which can be very painful at times, but eventually they come to accept their loss. Other individuals never seem to get over the loss of their loved one. Even years later, a favourite song, a saying, a movie, a special place can reduce such individuals to tears. This is not to say that everyone who loses someone will eventually succumb to PTSD, the grieving process is a natural occurrence with many stages, and it can take two years maybe more, maybe less before one is able to finally accept the loss. For some, six or seven years later, they still struggle to find peace and need support in the form of treatment in order to move toward acceptance of the loss.</span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> I've highlighted in red the symptoms that I experience. Not everyone will experience the same symptoms or even all the symptoms or even all the symptoms. Doctors know the "hallmarks" of PTSD and can make that diagnosis for you. </span></h3>
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</h3>
<h3>
The remainder of this post is an excerpt from the following website. I encourage
you to visit the site for some additional valuable information.</h3>
<h3>
<a href="http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm" target="_blank">http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm</a></h3>
<h3>
Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event </h3>
<ul>
<li>Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event</li>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)</span></li>
<li>Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)</li>
<li>Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma</li>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)</span></li>
</ul>
<h3>
Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing</h3>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma</span></li>
<li> <span style="color: #990000;">Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma</span></li>
<li> <span style="color: #990000;">Loss of interest in activities and life in general</span></li>
<li> <span style="color: #990000;">Feeling detached from others </span>and emotionally numb</li>
<li> <span style="color: #990000;">Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span,
get married, have a career)</span></li>
</ul>
<h3>
Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal</h3>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Difficulty falling or staying asleep</span></li>
<li> <span style="color: #990000;">Irritability or outbursts of anger</span></li>
<span style="color: #990000;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #990000;"> Difficulty concentrating</span></li>
<span style="color: #990000;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #990000;"> Hypervigilence (on constant “red alert”)</span></li>
<span style="color: #990000;">
</span>
<li><span style="color: #990000;"> Feeling jumpy and easily startled</span></li>
</ul>
<div class="advisorybox">
<h3>
Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)</h3>
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<tr>
<td width="50%"><ul>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Anger and irritability</span></li>
<li>Guilt, shame, or self-blame</li>
<li>Substance abuse</li>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Feelings of mistrust and betray</span>al</li>
</ul>
</td>
<td width="50%"><ul>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Depression and hopelessness</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Suicidal thoughts and feelings</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #990000;">Feeling alienated and alone</span></li>
<li>Physical aches and pains</li>
</ul>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<h2>
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3939656826821637036" id="children" name="children"></a>Symptoms of PTSD in children and adolescents</h2>
In children—especially those who are very young—the
symptoms of PTSD can be different than the symptoms in adults. Symptoms
in children include:<br />
<ul>
<li> Fear of being separated from parent</li>
<li> Losing previously-acquired skills (such as toilet training)</li>
<li> Sleep problems and nightmares without recognizable content</li>
<li> Somber, compulsive play in which themes or aspects of the trauma are repeated</li>
<li> New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of
monsters)</li>
<li> Acting out the trauma through play, stories, or drawings</li>
<li> Aches and pains with no apparent cause</li>
<li>Irritability and aggression </li>
</ul>
<h3>
<i><b>So Wednesday, March 20th is D-day.... I'll try to post in the evenings since that is the only time I will have access to a computer. Wish me luck!! </b></i></h3>
<ul>
</ul>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-73848423009603843252013-03-18T09:46:00.001-07:002013-03-20T16:21:07.151-07:00Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Do I Really Want to go Back There?As I was telling some friends, with less than 48 hours to go before I return to the mental health hospital I was in last Fall for a mood and anxiety treatment program, I find myself feeling very reluctant. Why? Because this program is for PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. For those of you who may not know what that is, it is a disorder usually caused by a traumatic event in a person's life where he/she felt that his/her life or the life of a loved one was at risk for being seriously harmed or even destroyed. Many war veterans and police officers suffer from PTSD for obvious reasons, but serious car accidents, a life threatening illness, sexual abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, burglary, being threatened with a weapon, natural disasters, and robbery to name only a few can also result in PTSD.<br />
<br />
In my particular case, the psychologist labelled my PTSD as "severe and complex" which means it was ongoing and repeated (severe), and it began before the age of 8 years (complex). Apparently, when the trauma occurs before the age of eight, it is much more difficult to address since many of the memories are buried. When I was being assessed for possibly having PTSD, in the first section of the survey were twelve questions where each question ended with the statement ".... where you felt you or a loved one were under threat of being seriously harmed or killed"... I answered "yes" to seven of the twelve questions. I had to stop there when filling out the survey, because seeing it all on paper made me realize just how sad it truly was, and I began to cry. Before then, "it was just my life", "that's just the way the cookie crumbled", "the cards I was dealt", "nobody has it easy" kind of thing, but looking at it on paper made it real, it could not be avoided or overlooked any longer, I could see how wrong it was especially considering I knew my abuser, someone who was supposed to protect me and keep me safe during those very early formative years. I had two other abusers later in my life as well, we tend to be drawn to what is familiar. You can imagine how that warped my entire view of the world, who to trust, whether anyone was really safe, or how to view alleged "loving" relationships. So what I did as a result, a coping mechanism, was become so independent that I needed no one, there was no need to trust anyone or ask for help only to be disappointed, because I could take care of myself, the same way I always took care of my siblings as well as myself. A very lonely existence which put a great deal of pressure on me that resulted in depression, insomnia, hyper-vigilence, unexplained fears, difficulties with relationships, and isolation.<br />
<br />
So<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">, the closer it gets to my admission date,
the more afraid I become. I'm so scared of going back there, not to the hospital, but the place where all this pain began, my childhood. Pain I haven't even
really felt, but I know I'm going to feel. I find myself crying a lot because
I don't want to go there, I don't want to be that little girl without any control or power again, I
don't want to feel what she so skillfully buried and kept hidden as a means of survival. I'm
not strong like everyone thinks. I
don't want to remember what happened, I just want it to stay where it
is, in that box in the back of my mind labelled "toxic- do not open"....
but I know it will help me live a better life in the long run, a happier life. Treatment for PTSD has been known to improve so many other conditions which I've already named, conditions like depression, which can be fatal, so for that reason, I must find the strength.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">I've decided, as well, that as I learn about my PTSD while in the hospital, I'm going to share what I've learned with you the readers. Not everyone gets the opportunity, as terrifying as it may be, to be admitted to an eight week treatment program, so I am going to do my best to post my experiences, feelings, revelations, and hopes while I am in this program beginning this week. I hope you'll come back to see what the view from the inside is like.... it is my hope you will find it helpful. It is my hope that you will seek treatment for your own mental health problems.</span></span></span><br />
<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"> </span></span></h5>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-13888242250819625392013-03-09T17:35:00.005-08:002013-03-09T22:41:38.173-08:00Leaders Who Suffered From Mental IllnessI've always said that people with mental illness have a perspective unlike that of healthy people. My highs are much higher than a healthy person's, because my lows are beyond bad. I have a deep appreciation of life, simple things, contentment, and having a clear mind. I believe, as well, I have a deeper compassion for the suffering of others because I have suffered. One psychiatrist aptly described my existence during a severe depressive episode as "torture on a daily basis, unbearable at best" and a friend said that I "was breathing, had a heart beat, that is all". So naturally good days for me are fabulous!!! This article is a wonderful example of what was mentioned previously as well as demonstrates that mental illness does not mean one cannot contribute to the world in a profound and positive manner as was the case with these political leaders.They kinda make me proud to have mental illness :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904800304576474451102761640.html?mod=wsj_share_tweet" target="_blank">http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904800304576474451102761640.html?mod=wsj_share_tweet</a><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-48388664691469354712013-03-08T09:25:00.001-08:002013-03-08T12:37:21.373-08:00Self Stigma??? Me? Never! I find it ironic that I'm here promoting mental health awareness and trying to shatter the stigma of mental illness because I'm a hypocrit. I really have no right to say any of the things I'm saying, because I perpetuate the stigma just as much as anyone else.<br />
<br />
Recently, I was interviewed for a volunteer position with an organization. One of the people on the panel knew of my major depressive disorder and asked "are you certain you can carry out your responsibilities given your illness?" Not only was it an inappropriate question, for future reference, no potential employer or supervisor is allowed to ask you about your race, religion, age, or disability and that right is protected in the Labour Act, but even worse, I defended myself! I began humbly reassuring the committee that my illness would not be a problem, that once I make a commitment, I'm in till the end, and I was practically begging them to believe me! So not only was I victimized by society's stigma of the mentally ill as being unreliable and unrealistic about their limitations, but then I re-victimized myself by agreeing that their concerns were legitimate! The stigma is so insidious that I didn't even realize what had happened till I got home!! When I did realize what they had done and as a result, what I had done to myself, I felt so inadequate, lesser than, and stupid for not realizing what was happening! I eventually penned a letter addressing the inappropriate line of questioning at the interview, as well as reminding them of the Labour Act and requesting a reply. I needed to regain some self-respect, I wasn't letting it go.<br />
<br />
This is not uncommon for those with mental illness. Yesterday, I was reading a blog where the writer referred to herself as being "silly", "stupid", and "wimpy" because of her phobias. In the distant past, before I learned how my illness affects my behaviour, I've even gotten into heated debates with friends who are also mentally ill and called them "crazy" or "losing it" and for that I'm ashamed, but I have learned to forgive myself for finding them guilty of the very thing that affects me too. I often hear people demean themselves because of their illness...so why in the world would anyone what to admit they are mentally ill? Who in their right mind (no pun intended) wants to expose themselves to that kind of judgement? It is so much easier just to stay hidden and suffer in silence, but we are NOT second class citizens! The civil rights movement was for ALL individuals and groups who are not treated equally in society, we are one of those groups, and clearly there is still much work to do!<br />
<br />
So the next time you find yourself preparing to judge or criticize yourself for an illness related symptom, stop, rethink. Do you really deserve that? No, you don't, so away with the negative self talk and recognize the beautiful, strong individual you are perhaps because of your illness. You deserve it! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-5843705841646701112013-03-07T07:50:00.000-08:002013-03-07T07:50:08.749-08:00Unleash the Noise!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/0QrJQuBOFFo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-44174134272782410702013-03-05T10:14:00.001-08:002013-03-05T10:14:36.210-08:00The View From Here...: Imagine Living in Fear Everyday of Your Life<a href="http://theviewfromhere1.blogspot.com/2013/03/imagine-living-in-fear-everyday-of-your.html?spref=bl">The View From Here...: Imagine Living in Fear Everyday of Your Life</a>: I never really understood my anxiety disorder until recently, and I've had it all my life. I, as well as all my friends, just considered...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-89611903508966874582013-03-05T10:12:00.000-08:002013-03-05T10:25:21.463-08:00Imagine Living in Fear Everyday of Your LifeI never really understood my anxiety disorder until recently, and I've had it all my life. I, as well as all my friends, just considered me "dramatic", "high strung", "intense", "passionate", "high maintenance", "hypersensitive", or "very emotional". I never suspected I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but when I discovered that was the case, it explained a lot about my behaviour. .<br />
<br />
According to the US National Library of Medicine, "the main symptom is the almost constant presence of worry or tension,
even when there is little or no cause. Worries seem to float from one
problem to another, such as family or relationship problems, work
issues, money, health, and other problems.<br />
Even when aware that their worries or fears are stronger than needed, a person with GAD still has difficulty controlling them." It's true. I'm a worrier although I am getting better because of mindfulness which I explained in an earlier post. The simplest things can cause me anxiety, for example leaving the house in the morning makes me very anxious until I'm en route; starting something new causes my heart to beat faster until I feel comfortable with it . Change and transitions generally create anxiety for me in varying degrees. Being in noisy and crowded spaces like a busy mall or a room full of chattering people causes great anxiety. If someone is late visiting me, I begin to think the worst. If they don't contact me, I will be panicky and sobbing within 30 minutes after their scheduled arrival time thinking they were in a car accident. I always worry I've left something electrical on when I leave the house, and worry that my house is going to burn down when I'm gone. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad, I will actually turn around and go back home just to make sure. I've had a bat under my bed for 9 years now. At one time, I could not drive on the highway, it was a huge trigger for my anxiety, because I thought I was going to crash traveling 110 km an hour. Deadlines can practically paralyze me at times depending on my stress level. At times, I cannot even begin to organize or prioritize in order to meet deadlines. I'm a hypochondriac, I'm convinced every ache and pain is cancer, MS, stroke, brain tumour something terminal (another symptom of depression too, feeling you won't live long). It's always the worst case scenario with me. And roller coasters? Lordy, I feel like I'm going to die on a roller coaster, screaming and crying uncontrollably practically needing an ambulance when the ride is over. Anxiety is such a daily part of my life, I just chalked it up to "well, that's just me".<br />
<br />
When I was 22 years old, I was watching a movie called "Tracy Thurman Story" which is a true story about a horrific domestic violence case. When it got to the scene where Tracy's ex husband is beating her within an inch of her life by kicking her in the head, I completely lost it. I couldn't breath, I ran and hid in the corner of the room sobbing profusely, I was terrified. My partner had gone to the store and came back to a locked door and my audible sobbing behind it which was obviously very disconcerting. He banged on the door calling my name, but I couldn't move to open the door, and I had no idea why. I thought I was "crazy! What a weirdo! Good lord, Lisa, what is your problem?" This is how people with mental illness tear themselves down and are torn down by others in the same vain. Violence is still a huge trigger for me, and I realize why now, I grew up in a home where domestic violence was the norm, and I was diagnosed with PTSD last fall.<br />
<br />
Then there's the fear of abandonment issue which is a well hidden phobia that shows itself in unpredictable ways resulting in anxiety, defensiveness, anger, and sadness. All phobias obviously create a great deal of anxiety but are limited to usually a couple of things, snakes, spiders, balloons, whereas GAD is non-descriminative about what creates the anxiety. At one point in life, usually at young age, the person who develops a fear of abandonment has been abandoned possibly through the death of a loved one, a divorce or separation, or felt emotionally abandoned by a caregiver or someone they trust. Usually it rears it's ugly head when I irrationally feel that someone doesn't care about me, like my own children for example, how irrational it that? When they were teens, they questioned my authority of course, and their growing independence was very threatening to me, because it meant they were going to leave me, and I was going to be alone. In my fear and anger, I would lash out, literally have temper tantrums in desperation and not knowing why I was doing it. It created quite a rift between us which we are now beginning to heal. Sometimes someone not returning a phone call can do it, or when friends would get together and not invite me. You might say that I'm just insecure which is somewhat true, but I have accomplished a lot in my life time, and most people who meet me say the exact opposite. I appear very confident. You can imagine how destructive such fears and anxieties are in personal relationships as well as all the things they prevent you from enjoying. Fear is a real joy stopper.<br />
<br />
So as you can see, these are pretty regular everyday occurences, so yes I was anxious almost everyday, and it usually comes out in hurtful remarks and irritability which, of course, at the very least confuses them as to what they've done wrong which is usually nothing. I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, that's anxiety. I get intense stomach problems when I'm anxious, and my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad that sometimes my anxiety will overwhelm me to the point that my mind actually prevents my body from moving quickly and slows down my thinking and speaking as well which is called psychomotor impairment (I will discuss this further in my next post). Anxiety and depression are cohorts, it's rare to have one without the other and most people are either higher in anxiety than depression or vice versa. I've been blessed with being high in both!<br />
<br />
So how do you deal with someone like me? Someone who seems to be afraid of everything, worries all the time, someone whose fears seem completely irrational, or who just seems nervous all the time? First of all, don't judge us, for the most part, we can't help it, and feeling judged just makes it worse. Secondly, don't tell us not to feel that way, we would make that choice if we could. Be forgiving and patient... if we become defensive or irritable, it's not personal, it is simply us trying to protect ourselves in a not so healthy way, and try to be accepting of our anxiety, don't try to change it for us, that's something we have to find the strength to do. Finally, try to put yourselves in our shoes... imagine what it feels like to be afraid or anxious of something every day? Life is difficult to enjoy when you're always on edge.<br />
<br />
I take anti-anxiety medications which help tremendously with the physical manifestations of anxiety like constant movement, leg bouncing, or feeling like my body is buzzing. I have found the courage to face some of my fears one at a time for which I'm very proud, but still more work to do. Mindfulness, meditation, and yoga help to keep me relaxed and clear of mind. Positive self talk is good too... being my own best friend kind of thing.<br />
<br />
Not everyone will express their anxiety the same way, so I would really appreciate if you would leave a comment about yours, so others know the many different shapes and forms it takes. Also, if you know someone with GAD, how does it make you feel, and what do you do about it. This is part of the process of breaking down the stigma, talking openly. I and others would love to hear a little piece of your story if you care to share. Thanks for reading and understanding! :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3939656826821637036.post-18549565683139023752013-02-28T10:32:00.000-08:002013-02-28T12:26:22.692-08:00Neuroplasticity and Psychiatric Disorders- Hope. <h3 style="text-align: center;">
<i>I<b>s it possible to "reshape" the brain and improve symptoms of mental illness?</b></i></h3>
<br />
Researchers say "yes". Having been "institutionalized"
for major depressive disorder, as readers might already be aware, I know
for a fact that at least one mental health institution does provide a
dynamic model for treatment. They don't just force medications down our
throats as so many incorrectly believe, ignorance equals stigma. I participated in a bio-psycho-social-spiritual model
of treatment for two months,and it was used for treating mood disorders not to cure necessarily, but to hopefully improve symptoms, prevent relapse and provide hope for patients who simply want to have more control over their illness.<br />
<br />
"Bio" is obvious, the
physical/medical illness requires medication to assist those neurotransmitters or neurological chemicals to perform their assigned task. "Psycho" is the psyche, the
individual's view of him/herself individually and in relation to the rest of society. I discovered my self perception included negative
self talk, negative core beliefs, shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. Many of these beliefs are the by- product of the illness and how society perceives me because of my illness.Those suffering from mental illness perceive themselves to be "inadequate", "dysfunctional",
"useless", "unreliable" and "untrustworthy",so yes, those affected contribute to their own stigmatization which I will address later, but those ideas are taught to us by a society that, by and large, does not understand mental illness. It's a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. We were taught thoughts create feelings, so if I feel lesser than everyone else for whatever reason, then it's likely that I will eventually become depressed. Consequently, we were taught to first become aware of how we perceive ourselves, and how inaccurate are our perceptions when we examine our lives and realize that we are fully functioning individuals with an illness. This reshaping of thought patterns and consequently restructuring of the brain is called "neuroplasticity". Neuroplasticity has been studied for over twenty years now, and the findings are somewhat conclusive when examining MRI's. So simply by replacing "I'm no fun" with "I am fun when I'm not feeling well" and making it how I perceive myself, I can actually help prevent a depressive episode or at least lengthen the time between episodes, and this applies to many other psychiatric illnesses as well. <br />
<br />
The social aspect of the model again uses the concept of neuroplasticity to help reshape the brain into being more social and changing the way in which those who are ill communicate with others. Many who suffer from mental illness isolate because of negative beliefs or lack of motivation. This aspect of the model teaches the importance of remaining in touch with society even if it means just going for a walk or window shopping. We are restructuring our brain to understand and accept we are, in fact, part of the rest of society, and we should not seclude ourselves not matter what anyone tells us. In terms of communication, another result of negative self talk and negative core beliefs, is we tend to have little if any personal boundaries and great difficulty asserting our needs. We often are defensive when it isn't necessary, because it's the negative core belief and low self esteem that is effecting how we are perceiving the communication. This fact is reinforced by studies where the "goal is to increase activity of particular areas of the brain, such as the anterior cingulate (a key <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/decision-making" title="Psychology Today looks at Decision-Making">decision-making</a> area) or the prefrontal cortex (a location of planning), or to decrease the activity of other areas, like the brain's <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fear" title="Psychology Today looks at Fear">fear</a>
center, the amygdala. In other studies, the goal is to actually get
parts of the brain (like the hippocampus) to regrow." ( David J.
Hellerstein, M.D) By learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, and asserting our needs, we are increasing activity in certain areas of our brains.<br />
<br />
Finally, the spiritual aspect does not refer necessarily to a religion as much as a positive and clear belief system. Mindfulness or meditation was practiced daily in the hospital I was in,
because
mindfulness or meditation helps us to quiet the chatter in our minds, to be more aware of ourselves, and our
surroundings thereby allowing us to be less reactive and respond with more clarity, consequently we can better address our own needs. One patient in a study took up yoga to help with trauma and depression, and she reported improvement in her calmness and general sense of well being. Specifically, Dr. Hellerstein believes "yoga allowed her to decrease the activity of her brain's fear center, the amygdala."<br />
<br />
So what does all this mean? It means that there is hope for those who suffer from psychiatric disorders in being able to better manage their illness. Like a newly diagnosed diabetic must learn new eating
regimes and
life style habits in order to manage his/her illness, so do I, and those
like me. Learning how to self nurture, be self loving, being positive, and learning how to
be
mindful is beneficial not only to those who suffer mental illness but everyone. Life is stressful, we all need help managing stress, and work environments are where the majority of that stress lives, but by changing how we think, we can change how we feel. Now you're saying, sure I can just imagine what people at work would say if someone said "we're going to meditate everyday, and we're going to be self-nurturing, positive, and supportive of each other." That's insane....they might laugh you out of the building, right? Well, why not be positive and supportive if it's going to help? Interestingly, that's the same stigma we fight every day. I'm a pretty positive, life-loving, happy person but just last weekend a friend insensitively said to me "yeah, but you're unbalanced" and this morning on the radio, I heard "we should just ignore crazy people or round them up and kill them".... hard to be positive with attitudes like that all around you.<br />
<br />
<i><b>For further information on neuroplasticity...</b></i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heal-your-brain/201107/neuroplasticity-and-depression">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/heal-your-brain/201107/neuroplasticity-and-depression</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://beyondmeds.com/category/neuroplasticity/">http://beyondmeds.com/category/neuroplasticity/</a><br />
<br />
<i><b>Neuroplasticity and addiction recovery...</b></i><br />
<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ending-addiction-good/201302/neuroplasticity-and-addiction-recovery">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ending-addiction-good/201302/neuroplasticity-and-addiction-recovery</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09819036606452798987noreply@blogger.com4